Firstly, you are not alone if you have a tendency to avoid conflict or difficult conversations. A part of me is absolutely conflict adverse, but I have evolved so much in the way I approach difficult conversations. The more I speak up, the more evidence I am gathering to reaffirm my sense of agency and feel empowered to tell others how I feel.
I also want to acknowledge that difficult conversations can look different for all of us. Feeling prepared to disagree with a mental health diagnosis might be difficult for some of us and some of us might find it difficult to talk to our housemate about their week-old dishes in the sink. A difficult conversation might be political- it might come with biased attitudes and closed mindedness. A difficult conversation could be about life and death or about what to have for dinner. No matter how big the issues or seemingly insignificant the topic, it can still be a challenge.
Thinking about any interaction that I am invested in the outcome of- I want to be mindful of my approach. This means making a plan, being prepared, taking responsibility for how I engage and acknowledging my own accountability in the circumstances. I want to be able to have the capacity to engage with my words the best I can. Now as someone that is a self-described sensitive and emotional person, distress can be a very real barrier for me to have challenging conversations. I want to be aware of my window of tolerance and I try my best to only engage in the hard conversations if I have the capacity to do so. I want to be engaged with my wise mind and be cautious about not making assumptions.
I want to be present when having important conversations. I want to minimise distractions so I can actively listen. I want to engage with integrity and speak with honesty and while I can be in control of this for myself, I also need to take others on their word and trust that they are doing the same. Integrity is an individual responsibility! Something else that I try to be intentional about is that I can’t control how the other person responds. It takes vulnerability to be present and willing to accept accountability. It takes emotional regulation skills to be able to respond and not react. It can take some genuine critical reflection to be able to not take things personally and not make things personal (I think most of us can understand that it hurts when we are attacked). In contrast to an attack, constructive criticism can be uncomfortable, but also come with opportunity. It can be important to recognise the difference between the two.
I believe that it is important to be able to acknowledge power and privilege when speaking up in challenging conversations and especially when navigating conflict. Authority can reinforce power imbalances and this can sometimes impact engagement- for me- especially when it comes to doctors and mental health professionals. Developing a sense of self-awareness about how we respond in stressful situations (or relationships with power imbalances) can also be very helpful. Understanding my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response can be very helpful when it comes to recentering and maintain composure when being challenged. Nervous System Responses (for visual learners)
Basically- when it comes to difficult conversations I find the D.E.A.R.M.A.N DBT tool really helpful- this is a great resource explaining the tool: DEAR MAN- Interpersonal Effectiveness Tool
This is my personal favourite resource when it comes to the tough conversations: We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations
Finally, I think that it is important to keep in mind that sometimes with might not walk away with the outcome that we want. Being willing to compromise and collaborate can be critical. I also try to acknowledge that if I am being realistic- then leaving the conversation without an outcome is also a genuine possibility and something to stay reminded of.
