We're continually asked what is helpful to some one who is in grief.
We've developed a do's and don'ts list.
See if you agree with these (they're maybe not formatted as I intended!):
Things that are good to DO
- The best strategy is being comfortable to sit with the grief of others, both literally and figuratively
- Be available. Say “I’m here for you” and be there.
- Offer practical support such as meals, shopping, gardening, errands, lifts, etc. especially in the early days.
- Be Compassionate: Foster a culture of compassion and understanding
- Listen well. When someone is grieving, one of the greatest supports you can offer is to listen.
- Listening is better than taking action. Resist the thought that listening is an ineffective form of support, even though we don’t always clearly see the benefits of our listening. It's often those actions, typically described as "active", that cause issues: the advice giving, the fairly trite platitudes (which, admittedly, can be easy to fall back on). Don't try and rush them through it and don’t try to resolve their issues.
- Tune in to what the person is saying - the issues are they are identifying, the emotions they are expressing. Reflective listening is good: paraphrase back to them some of their issues and emotions. It is not about drawing inferences or making diagnoses. It is about giving the speaker the reassurance you are tuning in and you are giving them permission to explore their issue further, describe their pain, have a better chance of making sense of it all and growing from it.
- Silence can be good. Grieving people often need to talk about their grief and sometimes it’s okay to just sit in silence.
- Accept that everyone grieves differently. Grief is a normal and natural response to loss but everyone grieves differently. When we look at the complexity of effects, we can see how grief reactions are complexly varied.
- Accept a wide variety of emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, fear, guilt, relief, etc. Such varied emotions are a natural response to the death of a loved one.
- Use the name of the lost loved one and make it easy for the grieving person to talk of their loved one and to use their name.
- Keep in touch. Maintain thoughtful and honest communication. Check in regularly to see how they are progressing and if there is anything you can do to further support them. For many months or years
Things that are good to AVOID
Avoid giving advice unless it's explicitly asked for. Even then be thoughtful and tactful. Unsolicited advice can feel like you're shutting them down.
- Avoid platitudes such as “At least you have other children”, “It was meant to be”, ‘It’s God’s will’, “Maybe God wanted another angel”, etc. Well-meant statements like these are unhelpful and sometimes hurtful.
- Don’t judge. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Especially don’t say “you should…” or “you shouldn’t…”
- Don’t say “I understand” or “I know how you feel”. Individual grief is so complex that no-one can really understand how an individual feels.
- You can’t fix it. No one can take away the pain and sadness but knowing that people care is comforting and healing.
- Don’t assume. People who are grieving aren’t necessarily showing it.
- Use their word for death. It’s what they’re comfortable with right now. It might be “died” or “passed away” or “lost”. Whatever it is, it’s the safest word.
