Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

[Determined]

We have 3 young children (3 - 14) so that gives me extra reason to stick it out. There have been times that unfortunately without the children to consider it would have been easy to give up.  It's a bit like that at the moment actually. 

[Determined]

The other really important piece of advice is to get some professional support for yourself.

I refused this until a complete but out and then it was unfortunately too little too late . 

Hindsight is wonderful but I do regret not getting adequate support and setting clear boundaries. 

[fraser845]

I tried with boundaries or just common sense, asking her intentions or what is her reasoning behind behaviour. Nothing worked ever. I always will be pushed into the “dangerous man corner” she puts her walks up and I have no chance at all to reach her. Talking about it is accused to be negative and that’s all we have - negative and pressured conversation. So she seeks joy and fun with people who don’t care about her, don’t ask questions and she does not have to have a conversation about events or behaviour even if it is meant just supportive. 

I like your boundaries. We are far away from anything. She is doing as it pleases her and I try to work around as per her anything else causes her stress and she will feel then suicidal. 😔😢

[fraser845]

You know what really gets me. Everything is not her fault. She was abused when she was young, had bad and abusing experiences after that. No one ever tried to safe her, no one cared. People just took from her what they wanted. It makes me feeling devastated about man - I’m this case and I am just preparing a big campaign against sexual abuse against women by men - however I am suffering so much to make her believe, try to be there and all i can see is someone who should be happy with her children, struggling and making decision who hurt herself every day. I would give everything for her but I am at breaking point. 

[Determined]

You are sounding very much like I felt when I landed here on the forum a bit over 2 years ago now. My heart goes out to you. 

For us that breaking point is what brought about the boundaries. Because for us my perception was that the sh reached a point where it was done to hurt me, pay me back for some imaginary slight or just manipulate me. Now if she hurts herself she goes to the hospital and thankfully she believes I will follow through. We have not had any major sh now for 12 months based on that. 

[Determined]

For us implementing the boundaries went much smoother than I expected. Much of darlings venom was directed towards my councillor for 'poisoning me against her'

So instead of fighting it she actually tried to disarm me with sweetness. I didn't fully believe my councillor that this was a disarmament strategy untill darling proved her right. 

It did help that I introduced the boundaries while she was in hospital and her assigned nurse supported me through the initial tantrums. 

[Determined]

Still procrastinating formally withdrawing from my class at uni @Faith-and-Hope  @Former-Member  @Smc 

In the past when I have made that decision it has been a relief... this time I am just feeling lazy and useless.  And am I giving up to easily. 

I have been over the course content again and I should be able to do it but....  I am so tired I just cant motivate myself to do the required work.  😥😴😖

[Determined]

Then this afternoon someone implied I should get another job. Sent me a job add and told me I could do do that after a heated discussion about money. 

What is more amazing is that the job she suggested would be emotionally taxing at the best of times. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Carer’s burnout symptoms @Determined ..... talk to someone who can help you carry through on what you know you need to do, but are bound by inertia.

[Faith-and-Hope]

And your last post ..... obviously had the best of intentions, but missed the mark ..... can respond “thanks for your concern, will consider it” ..... then consider it no longer .....

❤️