Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

[Owlunar]

Hi @Shaz51 

I know Mr Shaz had a bad time in his life and lost a lot of important things - and this was a turning point in his life which triggered mental illness and he can't help that anymore than anyone can help a physical or mental illnes 

But - huge but -

Sometimes it seems that he is playing up a bit - playing psycholigcal games - wanting you to be in charge of his therapy etc and then fighting you about it - not a nice way to behave either - like wanting his cake and eating it then complaining about it - I can tell you all about a marriage that failed with a husband being passive/aggressive but you already know enough of my story - enough can get to be enough if it continues long enough

About your childhood abuse - I think - Dr Phil said it - a person who has been abused as a child - or anyone actually - will feel useless and worse when they have been treated like trash and as for your not feeling like yourself - that is something like an open wound within you that needs treatment too and I have not read that about you before and don't know if you have had any treatment - I do remember reading that your mother eventually left your father - but it isn't an excuse - you have trouble being yourself because of confusion from childhood about yourself - other people might be able to explain this better

And I don't mind that your moved the post - it's good actually

Dec

[Shaz51]

Sometimes it seems that he is playing up a bit--- I have tought this many times over the years @Owlunar 

don't know if you have had any treatment - for me -- no not at all

even though mum and i left , the rejection kept going until i was 43 when he passed away

[Owlunar]

Aw @Shaz51 

Abuse and rejection is hard to endure - and it went on until you were 43 - I understand

It was different with my mother but she kept it up for my lifetime. I saw a woman dying with terrible regrets - I forgave her for my own sake - I took a long look at her life from as many angles as I could and see she was an incredibly unhappy person - I understand her reasons but not her excuses

With your Dad is obviously different but there is the similarity of rejection and that is so hard to take - probably you had no chance to discuss this with him and clarify the sitation - I am so sorry this happened to you

Where does this leave you though Shaz? You are indebted to your mother as she did rescue you from your father in time - but then - it went on for a while - I don't any more than you have written here but it seems there was an overlap in time - and you have Mr Shaz playing games which is hard to take when you have had other people doing this in your life

We all have tough things happening to us - we react differently - some people are more resiliant than others and we work through it all differently too

If you have never had the chance to talk through what your father did and how he treated you there are no doubt some worms in cans deep inside just waiting to be opened

You are someone who comes across as being in control of so much that is happening - that is the way it seems - and I recall you had your own business before you married Mr Shaz - I hope opening up has helped though you might have done this before - I can't keep up with many threads - 

All the best Shaz and thanks for sharing

Dec

[Shaz51]

You are someone who comes across as being in control of so much that is happening - that is the way it seems -- yes I have lots of people say that and in real life too @Owlunar 

i have not  talked about my situation much at all @Owlunar  only at times when it has hit me for a reason -- and @Faith-and-Hope  and @Appleblossom helped me soo much last time

like you have helped me this time @Owlunar and other times too on your thread xx

Hello @Former-Member , @outlander , @Determined , @Former-Member , @Adge , @Smc 

mr shaz is loving having the 4 days off -- I can see why he wants to retire

loves doing things at his pace

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51 

Trust you are getting in some R & R too.

[Ali11]

Seconding what @Former-Member said @Shaz51, hope you're making time for you today as well  Good to hear mr Shaz is enjoying his days off, a long weekend should be a regular thing... for all of us! 

[Former-Member]

@Ali11  There was a study done that said people over 40 years old should not work more than 3 days a week. I reckon Mr Shaz would concur. 

[Determined]

You have my vote @Former-Member  😁

[Shaz51]

i totally agree @Former-Member , @Determined , @Ali11 

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51 

In any relationship, none of us are perfect. To love someone and to be loved in spite of mutual imperfections and to do so, in difficult times, is love at its best. We all want to receive that kind of love and I see that kind of love in action as you interact with Mr Shaz and your mum.  I know in spite of Mr Darcy's MH he loves me and I am certain Mr Shaz feels the same about you.  I can see why you would not want Mum to go to a home (I don't really want my Mum to go to one).  Putting ourselves out a bit too much goes with the territory of caring.

Can I encourage you that as you care for your loved ones, to keep that self care going; sometimes our loved ones need a gentle reminder that we have needs too. I know when I let the twin know I have a need, he is usually happy to see that it happens.