17-07-2020 05:49 PM
17-07-2020 05:49 PM
Hi everyone
i am being very true, open and honest here with this post. i don't want anyone to 'tell me off' or 'give me a hard time' becasue i know. I know what i should be doing to get better but i am stuck. i feel stuck becasue fear is my no 1 challenge.
i know the heading sounds strange - but these are my reasons or my thinking:
i do have a fantastic caring and supportive doctor. he is so understandingn of my mental health and BPD and the struggles i face daily.
i guess i am writing this out so i can see it in writing. not expecting replies, becasue i am sure all of you are wanting to get better.
and that i am a very strange odd person
17-07-2020 06:10 PM - edited 17-07-2020 06:31 PM
17-07-2020 06:10 PM - edited 17-07-2020 06:31 PM
@BlueBay - fear is a truly terrible thing, I suffer from terrible fears sometimes, so I can truly empathise with you about that.
Those reasons you listed all sound like huge reasons. Each one is a very big deal in itself. Even just one of those reasons would be a powerful motivator, so it's no wonder you are thinking like this. And I admire you for being able to articulate so clearly the reasons for how you're feeling. Your honesty also is admirable.
I'm glad you have a great doctor. 🙂 And I don't have BPD, but I've read a lot about it since joining these forums, and it sounds incredibly tough to manage. So I take my hat off to you, @BlueBay . ❤
17-07-2020 08:09 PM
17-07-2020 08:09 PM
Thanks a lot @NatureLover for your reply. You're right each one is huge. I really don't know how to manage these or even work through them.
yes fear is huge. I can't explain just how huge it is for me.
17-07-2020 08:12 PM
17-07-2020 08:12 PM
I do not think you are odd, it is something i csn relate to.
17-07-2020 08:26 PM - edited 18-07-2020 10:10 AM
17-07-2020 08:26 PM - edited 18-07-2020 10:10 AM
@BlueBay wrote:You're right each one is huge. I really don't know how to manage these or even work through them.
yes fear is huge. I can't explain just how huge it is for me.
@BlueBay all I can say is, fear is terrifying and paralysing and completely overwhelming. I send you lots of empathy for what you're facing 😣
I think the fact that you've been able to articulate those reasons is a real victory. I can understand that they look almost too big to deal with... Sending you a big gentle hug (if that's OK; please ignore if not).
17-07-2020 09:13 PM
17-07-2020 09:13 PM
Thank you for the hugs @NatureLover ❤️❤️
17-07-2020 09:14 PM
17-07-2020 09:14 PM
Thankyou @Cazza
hope you're doing ok tonight. 😊
18-07-2020 12:53 AM
18-07-2020 12:53 AM
Fear is a fickle thing, it can immobilise us very quickly. Fear is a normal emotion, and you are not odd.
I think you have taken a step forward by writing on here what your fears are and it's good to hear that you have a really supportive doctor.
Have you discussed any strategies on how to tackle these fears with your doctor or mental health professional?
It takes time to gain self-confidence and self-belief. It's about taking it one step and one day at a time.
when it comes to my identity I have learnt that I'm not identified by my illness. My identity is about the things I like doing, interests, hobbies, even what I watch on Netflix! What is your identity, what are some of the things you like doing?
I know what it's like to live alone and sometimes I do wish for more, however I am happy just been involved in group activities even if they are online.
18-07-2020 01:37 AM
18-07-2020 01:37 AM
You are not alone with what you have said. I can relate and I empathise.
Fear is pretty crippling- to the point that you just don't want to move. It's easier to sit with what you know.
I'd be so happy to chat to you about some of your fears and attempt to make some movement toward them together even if just very very slowly.
@BlueBay wrote:Hi everyone
i am being very true, open and honest here with this post. i don't want anyone to 'tell me off' or 'give me a hard time' becasue i know. I know what i should be doing to get better but i am stuck. i feel stuck becasue fear is my no 1 challenge.
i know the heading sounds strange - but these are my reasons or my thinking:
- fear of abandonment and rejection by my support people eg. doctor
- loss of identity
- fear of being lonely
- constantly needing reassurance from others
- don't trust or believe in myself
- i am comfortable in this 'cocoon' and scared of what there is out there
i do have a fantastic caring and supportive doctor. he is so understandingn of my mental health and BPD and the struggles i face daily.
i guess i am writing this out so i can see it in writing. not expecting replies, becasue i am sure all of you are wanting to get better.
and that i am a very strange odd person
18-07-2020 03:28 AM
18-07-2020 03:28 AM
Hi @BlueBay
That has to be a confrontatng
question - why you don't want to get better - omg really tough
I can assure you that friends you have made along the way would still be there but you wouldn't need all the support you have now - but some - yes - of course - we all do
However I can't believe you are comfortable in your 'cocoon" - I have been reading your posts for long enough to know you feel lonely and abandoned
I have felt isolated during this lock down which has become more onerous with severe pain and now the side effects of the new medication - I am used to a solitary life but yes - I hear that you are scared and why not?
I'm unhappy right now and you are allowed to be too - I want to get better - I will be having a procedure in 2 weeks - I am glad about this
But okay - If you want to stay in your "cocoon" -that's your choice - you can but I don't believe you are happy there and I am really sorry about that
Dec
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