Anger in a relationship

[Blue13]

this is going to be my rant. Please feel free to be a friend at this time because it would be really useful to me or any advise :).

tonight was shit night!!!!

I am extremely disappointed. 
it all started when my boyfriend woke me up from my sleep, I was cranky because it was over a phone call, I just would have liked some consideration. 
Whatever 

next. 

we were looking for something we lost in two different rooms in the house and I found something in his bag and asked what it was, 

he said replied then said it would have been nice if you asked to go through my bag * THE BAG HAS MY STUFF INSIDE EVEN THO IT IS HIS BAG *

I said what how does that make sense?

he said that is one of my boundaries just ask me ( it is one and I sadly forgot, I also didn’t know it would comply when it’s my stuff in the bag rather then me going through his ) 

I told him to get over it and whatever, I did my apologies but nothing felt good enough and I was getting frustrated 

( I lash out and have anger issues FYI) 

we have been going back and forth every week for a long time with my issues because I lash out, 

tonight I said to him multiple times what is your problem? And I didn’t get much about it he said he didn’t want to talk about it, which put me in a panic because I over think LOTS!

I said to him you are never there when I need you most

he took it the wrong way but I mean

every time I lash out

because usually by that time he is already annoyed angry or doing his own thing to make himself ok again. 

tonight he stepped outside and was messaging saying he doesn’t feel safe with me and he doesn’t want to come back inside. 
this absolutely broke me into pieces, no one wants to hear, or think that about someone they love. 

I explained that I love him so much and I know he wouldn’t understand but it’s very hard for me to show it, I said I’m sorry many times, I said that I care for him and he is safe and that I’m sorry he can’t see it right now. 

I felt worthless, and I still do, I just feel yuck!

he said that he doesn’t want to do this anymore and I couldn’t agree more ( no more lashing out arguments) 

he said show me you want this, otherwise I can’t do this all the time anymore 

he said it feels like I use him as a rag doll and a punching bag 

( F*ing heart breaking) 

I was speechless for words. I cried for a good enough or more. 

im not trying to make this about me but I said I will do anything it takes at all to make this right and ok. 

I have messaged my therapist because we don’t work on that so I said if you offer anger management fit me in ASAP. 

ugh. 

[Snowie]

Hi @Blue13 

Firstly it is nice to meet you. I don't think we've talked before.

It sounds like you have been through a rough time and I'm sorry you have had to go through that.

It does sound like you are trying to communicate with him which is really good.

You did say you had a therapist. Has he ever gone to a session with you? Perhaps it might be a good way to be able to work through some of the issues you are having.

I hope you are able to work through it with him. It really sounds like you both care for each other and want to work on your relationship.

Please feel free to continue to post on here. I am sure there are other members that might have a different insight.

Take care xoxo

[MayaBird07]

I've been there before. I know I get a panicky feeling when I've been in a similar situation and have lashed out. You are not hopeless, anger is a hard feeling to conquer especially when triggered. 

I hope you are ok and take care of yourself. 🙂

[MermaidHair]

I'm sorry you're going through this @Blue13 . There is nothing worse than fighting with a loved one and often the people we love can bring out the best and the worst in us, especially emotions wise, it can be so painful.

Have you guys ever been through anything like this before? It does sound like you do both really care for one another. if he would be open to it then it might help to have him sit in on a therapy session with you, or even couples therapy?

I hope you can figure it out or feel better regardless, happy to be a friend 🙂

[Xibon]

Hey @Blue13 thanks for reaching out :))

I really appreciate how introspective you have been here, while simultaneously conveying your upset. You have shown your authentic self and been honest with your feelings, which is no small feat.

You mention two things here which stood out to me; your boyfriend's boundaries and your own anger.

It seems your partner is firm on their boundaries, and uses them frequently.

At the same time, it seems you are ashamed about your anger, and desire not to feel anger.

Something I have had to learn is that anger is experiential; we can't pretend it doesn't exist, ignore it, or stop it from occurring. We can, however, change our reactions to our anger.

For me, it has been important to acknowledge that I am feeling anger (often followed by shame) - sometimes verbally. This grounds me in the moment, and reminds me that I am surviving the intense feelings I am experiencing. There is no shame in the feelings themselves.

By allowing ourselves to experience anger in this way, we are able to acknowledge that anger is informative. That is, we can use the experiences which give us anger to establish boundaries, and learn more about the things that trigger us, rather than lashing out or allowing shame to fester.

In this situation, you were angry about being rudely woken up. This is a natural reaction to have, and perhaps a place to establish a boundary yourself. When we allow ourselves to honour our feelings and boundaries, we prevent further resentment, anger, and build healthier relationships with the ones we love.

I don't know if this will help at all, but perhaps something to explore with your therapist. I truly hope you're feeling okay, and that the feeling of being worthless subsides.

Thank you for posting, and I hope you are treating yourself with kindness 🙂

[Asgard]

Hi @Blue13 

Can feel your pain through your post and I really feel for you.  Some of us do overthink things and that I feel is what makes women and men so different.  Men ( speaking from my own perspective) can happily think of nothing in particular, which would drive my ex mad.  The only thing I can suggest is communication and the suggestion that you bring your fella to a session is a great one as per @MermaidHair.  Went myself and it was an eye opener for me, as I never understood how much certain things matter.  Good luck and be nice to eachother.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Blue13 this all sounds like a very emotional situation for you. Thank you for posting about this though as letting people into your romantic relationship can make you feel very vulnerable. 

As a person with BPD, nothing makes me crazier than romantic love and I'm no stranger to pushing people away or acting out in response to a fear of abandonment or the unknown. 

My main tip is this: you need to take full accountability for your actions, you need to explain to your partner your plan for change and when you start to feel activated and like you might lash out - go outside alone for ten minutes (space to regulate) 

[Blue13]

Hey there, thanks for your response.
We have been going through this for quite awhile now. I tent to lash out a lot more than I wrote on that post. He knows and I know what’s going on before it even goes on.

We have gone to therapy together but for different areas of our relationship.

Yesterday I took the first step to work through my anger so hopefully I smash it out. I know it is gonna take a lot but it’s putting my relationship at risk each time it happens, and my relationship means more to me.

[Blue13]

🤍🤍🤍🤍
Means a lot.
Makes a lot of sense
Thank you for your input

[Xibon]

Hi @Blue13 

It's been a couple of days (my apologies) and I wanted to check in to see how you're travelling.

You mentioned you have taken some of the first steps towards managing your anger, may I ask how the process is going? How are you feeling generally?

There's no need to respond if you don't feel up to it, but I'm available if you need. If you do respond, tag people by using '@' folowed by their username so they know who is being replied to, and get notifications.

I hope things are okay, and you feel more like the comfortable, safe, and worthy person that you are today ❤️