Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SoSad]

A couple of months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. He made me aware that his anxiety was bad and he tried to talk himself out of it. A couple of days later he thought he had overcome it but about a few days later he spiralled into depression. We were going to move in together so that didn’t happen. He withdrew. I tried to help him. He just couldn’t talk to me. We broke up. I keep in contact every few days to see how he is. He sometimes says stuff to me like we are still in a relationship. He seems confused. I am confused as well. He came over and when he was leaving, he left like how we always departed from each other when we were in a relationship. Beautiful cuddles and he really snuggled into me. Then a kiss on the lips. It was definitely not the way friends say good bye. This isn’t the first time he has done something that you wouldn’t do if you weren’t in a relationship with someone and only wanted to be friends. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s only been a few days. He seems to open up to me more now that the label of “relationship” isn’t there. He recently told me about his previous relationship problems and how it’s always been him that got hurt. I think he has relationship anxiety/commitment issues. He seems to be making progress within his life and is having goals in place, which I am very proud of him for. I just don’t know which way to go. I am conflicted between waiting and seeing what happens to me needing to move on. I really love this man and it’s really hard to know what to do.

[Lunar]

Hello @SoSad,

A very warm welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you 🙂

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have gone through some tough times lately with his mental health and pushing you away, although now he seems a little more comfortable with your friendship but still treating you as a girlfriend.

I can see how confusing that would be for you, as you have noticed that perhaps the underlying reason is his fear of commitment and with that - possible rejection, which is quite common for a lot of people in new relationships, although his mental health might also be playing a role in those fears too.

It does seem like he would need to work on his anxiety and depression with a Psychologist, which might take some time and all you can do is keep encouraging him with that. Sometimes it helps to suggest that it's normal to feel scared about seeing someone to talk about those difficult feelings and thoughts.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do about your relationship though, such as if you wish to keep trying or move on, that's something you need to keep thinking about and talking to him about as well.

I wish you lots of goodluck and look forward to getting to know you better, there is a thread for Introducing Yourself that you might like to also post in,

Lunar

[SoSad]

Thanks Lunar. 

If he was mentally well, I’d be leaning on a relationship but because he hasn’t been mentally well and seems up and down, it’s hard to tell what he wants. He emphasised friendship. Maybe he wants friends with benefits, without the commitment. At the end of the day, he can’t commit or be in a relationship when he is like this.

I was a little hurt when he said that he has been cheated on a couple of times previously and he felt he had no freedom in one of the relationships. I have been quite cruisy and would never dream of cheating on someone. But that’s his issue, I know what kind of person I am, he just needs to learn to trust.

I will keep encouraging him to see a psych. He needs to sort those issues out or he will continue to have the same issue in a relationship.

Thank you! 

[SoSad]

Today I am really regretting that we moved our relationship too fast. He knew at the beginning he was worried about how he would react at each stage so we needed to take it slow, now look what has happened. His commitment issues have come up, he broke up with me and has pushed me back to being just a friend. He said that he is sorry that he has hurt me he is just scared of where his headspace takes him. But having a friend like me helps. 

It’s just sad to think that we could still be together if we went slow. That’s hard for me.

[Margot]

I can hear the grief in your words @SoSad. It's not easy to navigate this territory and I'm glad you've reached out for support. I wanted to drop in a link to this page as it has some really interesting info on relationships and coping with break ups. I hope there's something useful there. Take care 🌻

[SoSad]

Thank you Margot. I will check this out tonight. I have gone radio silent on my ex. I am not mentally well myself so the less I talk to him, the faster I heal. The mixed messages have been playing on me.