Our stories
Thank you @Owlunar @Appleblossom @eth @NatureLover @greenpea @Former-Member @BlueBay @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Snowie @Faith-and-Hope @outlander for your kind and caring replies.
And also @Adge @MDT @TAB for your support button presses.
Plus @Sans911 @Zoe7 @Maggie @Peri @Former-Member @CheerBear @Lee82 @Pollyotter @Molliex
@Owlunar you're right ... this is my story and I should tell it as and when I can. Even if that means it's in dribs and drabs. 😊 This thread is after all, in the My Stories section of the forums. Your advice (and that of @Appleblossom ) to email my clinical psych may well be a good suggestion. Thank you for that. I may well do so in coming days, but not the weekend. Your advice to remain in touch with my forum family is also very sound advice, because I know I need that. In the past, I have never left or taken a break because I wanted to.
I see that you read my Worry Room thread post from last Friday @Owlunar , as you hit the support button. Thank you for bothering to do that. I wrote that post after having a flashback earlier that day, and it describes very succinctly how it feels. I've had many before that, and several since. The flashbacks have eased off this week thankfully, but the nightmares are persisting so far. It doesnt lead to restful sleep, or more often it leads to no sleep at all. Especially when added to the issues hubby has been having.
Thanks @Appleblossom .. I live on 3 acres in a rural estate some 11 kms from a country town. We have abundant bird life here, and you're right, it's a very lovely spot to be. Also surrounded by sheep, cattle, horses, kangaroos, etc. Being able to connect and be amongst nature is a very grounding process, if you can allow it.
@Zahlia , I was interested to note the other day when I looked, that you were the very first person to respond to me here when I first joined and opened this thread in Sept 2016. A little bit of trivia I thought you may be interested to know. 😊 You've been here a while too.
Okay, so I've bitten the bullet and tackled the second part of a post that I commenced and posted part of this afternoon. This is a continuation of how I spent my 9 days away from the forum during my break.
One major trigger during my break hit me very hard, and came about completely unexpectedly. I was trying to be industrious and keep busy and distracted. With the change of season into winter, I decided to go through my clothes drawers and rearrange a few things. This is something I haven't done in a very long time. My weight has varied little over the last 25 years, so I don't periodically toss clothes out. Why would I when they still fit, or can be run in or repaired if necessary? And I'm really not a person who follows fashion trends. I'm into comfort and practicality. Usually buy a few good quality classic clothes, and the rest are neat casual. I tend to have a few favourite items which I wear to death. I've never been much of a shopper, so don't have an abundance of clothes.
Anyway ... at the bottom of one drawer, tucked into the back corner in a plastic bag, I came across a t-shirt which had been an old favourite of mine 24 years ago. As I pulled it out ... I felt shock waves run through me. Everything came back to me and I was flooded with painful memories from the night I was raped. I'd been wearing this t-shirt at the time. To say that I was a blubbering shaking wreck would be an understatement. In fact I'm still feeling the effects of the shock from it all.
What on earth had possessed me to keep it? What is wrong with me that I would keep some sort of sick momento, a reminder of that day? Isn't it bad enough that I have persistent unexpected reminders, without adding another which I would have to know would be a major trigger?
I was in deep shock as I relived everything in that split second ... via a terrifying flashback. All the feelings, the emotions, the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the immense fear ... the devastation of surviving a violent rape. It all came back, in full force.
I've been having daily nightmares and occasional flashbacks since I discovered this t-shirt in the middle of last week. All because of my seemingly stupid decision to keep this t-shirt after the event. I don't recall washing it, I dont recall putting it away, I certainly dont recall making a decision to keep it. What could I have been thinking? Or was I not thinking at all? Could it have been an attempt to keep some sort of evidence that could be used if I reported the rape to police? If that was the case, why did I wash it? I honestly don't know, it doesn't make any sense to me at all.
Anyway, I've now burned it ... and that felt good. Though it hasn't stopped the nightmares yet, or the persistent panic attacks whenever I'm reminded. And that's the reason why this post took several attempts to write. But hey, I got there in the end.
I'm trying hard to keep distracted and busy, in between hubby's needs and demands. Certainly I feel better for being back here amongst my forum family this past week @nashy @s-jay . I know I'm strong, I know I'm capable, I know I can ride out this storm again ... as I have many times before. And I thank all of you for helping me ride out that storm in a safe, caring and understanding environment.
Sherry 🌺🤗💕
Hi again @Former-Member
Thanks for sharing more of your story - and it's a really good idea to do this because it can run down your fingers and out of you - the details blown to the 4 corners of this spherical planet - and although you won't forget it can let of some of the pressure. I have found this to be true about my son's death - I wrote a lot of diary entries, short stories and poems way back then - it did ease the pain which is nothing like it was then but it has never gone away either. I do wish you the best with this project and you just keep doing this while you feel like it and stop when you are ready - pick it up again when you want to and best of all - you only do this to please yourself and no one else
About that T-shirt - I think you weren't thinking about anything when you washed that T-shirt - and put it away - I think you put it away because you didn't know what else to do with it at the time and forgot about it - what you went through was traumatic and being overpowered as you were - I do understand - apart from the pain of such an event - the shock too - and everything else - women are physically helpless in such a situation - what could you do -
I have thought and thought about whether to post my own "event" - so I will - and this is the short version
My husband wanted to be intimate one night and I refused and he went ahead and I was fertile - which was rare - and became pregnant and miscarried again - and terribly saddened that my husband said he had no recollection of that event. I have never forgotten and for a long time really resented what my husband had done. Many things end a marriage - one would think we would be safe in a marriage but you know and I know and many other people here know that we can be betrayed and we have been and our stories are different - and you were triggered because this is a Leap Year. I was pushed past my limits when I learned that rape inside a marriage is a crime - and it was already far back in the past - but I needed councelling and saw someone at CASA - a few times -
We are all different with different backgrounds and what I read in what you are writing is that you have not had an easy time from the word go and that would make it harder - but then - we don't need to make comparisons - all we can do is give someone the short version f our trauma and let them know that we have a shared experience so we really do understand and yes - I think I do.
Perhaps the T-shirt thing was something that was meant to happen - you found it when you were/are at a vulnerable part of your life and you felt good when you burned it - that's a good thing. And writing is therapeutic but don't be hard on yourself while you are doing this kind of therapy.
You do belong, you are worthy, and a very self-less person - but you do have a voice too - and I think you are starting to use it -
I'm sending an enhanced photo I took at sunset this evening - It's not brilliant like some but it felt moved myself when I was changing the filters
And yes - the Irish - my mother's mother was born in New Zealand and of Irish parents - My Gran, my mother and I are all a bit fey and three women living in the same house and sometimes knowing what the others were thinking about was interesting
Sending more hugs
Dec
