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kmla
Casual Contributor

feeling lonely

I am 17 years junior to my partner who has chronic illness related to diabetes. We have been together 10 years and were friends for 10 years prior to that.  He had a stroke 3 years ago and has been pretty unwell since...he has lost hearing in one ear completely; has severe tinitus; has glaucoma and is losing his vision; phyiscally he is struggling in lots of ways and I am worried about a range of other health issues too numerous to list. 

 

He is/was a small business owner...except that I have assumed responsibility of the business.  He went bankrupt last year.  The business now does not make much money but I do not want to take away my partner's dignity.  He loves his business...I do too.  It's just financially tough. 

 

I also have a full time job working in the diability sector and do a lot of travel for work.  I worry about my partner when I travel but I love my job and being away is sometimes a huge relief.

 

I don't know whether it's a blessing or a curse that we didn't have kids.  I wanted to have them a few years ago; at the same time that he had the stroke.  Now I think it's probably too late and I couldn't have them now anyway.  We have two dogs and my partner struggles to care for them when I am travelling.

 

My partner is due for two surgeries in the next month.  I don't know whether to be optimistic or not.  I struggle with feeling like it is all hopeless and in some ways I would prefer it to be all over quickly.  I do not want him to be sick and miserable.  I also do not want this to go on for years and years without a forseeable end.  But I feel horrible for wanting it to be over.  Mostly I just feel lonely and sad.  Sometimes angry.  

14 REPLIES 14

Re: feeling lonely

Hello @kmla

how are you today xx

 you have a lot on your plate my friend

it must be very hard to be working as well

I have kidney disease stage 4 with one kidney and now have diabetes

my husband has MI and bipolar 11 and is unable to work full time so we have a very small self employes business which we keep cutting back each year , aslo looking after my elderly mum and have 4 step children who are all adults now with their own MI .

letting you know that you are not alone my friend

do you have support for partner and yourself

do you do self care for you xx

@Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Former-Member

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: feeling lonely

Yikes @kmla little wonder you are tired and weary. 

 

Work + business + caring = recipe for burn out. 

 

Do you have any supports in place for either yourself or your partner?

 

Can understand your concern re: pets too. Even when I am around I have to keep an eye on our chooks as Mr Darcy does not attend to their water bowls properly. 

 

 

 

 

Re: feeling lonely

@kmla Hi there 🙂 welcome to the forum - it is a great way to help ease the load - and loneliness too! I have received so much from this special group of people in terms of understanding , information , caring and just daily good vibes from others who do truly get it .  My partner Ms S and I have been together for nearly 22 years and she is 5 years my senior ... we also chose not to have children due to MsS having continual MI issues - constant anxiety and depression and evolved in last few years to bipolar II ... now I too have probably left it too late even if I did want to have kids - which I don’t btw - I just can’t imagine the extra load.  I decided to say hi as I get what you mean when you catch yourself thinking how much easier things could be if your partner was not unwell or how it would be kinder for their suffering to end  - it’s normal for a carer to think that occasionally - an unwell partner is not something we planned for ourselves and not something we enjoy watching either - but it is what it is and in the meantime speaking for myself I love my MsS soooooo much and will always be here for her and sharing our journies - even though it can be pretty awful at times - soooo ..... keep putting one foot in front of the other and please make sure you keep looking out for yourself too - self care is vital and makes life bearable in the bad times ... and please keep reaching out to the folk here - just tag us and it’s easy for us to see you are reaching out 🙂  and I am more than happy to keep tabs and chat a bit most nights 🙂 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: feeling lonely

Hi kmla and welcome to the Sane Forums.

Dear me you are really contending with such a lot, little wonder you are likely suffering burnout.

I am 11 years junior to my husband, whom I have been married to for 21 years.  Only knew him for a bit over 12 months before that though.  

I am full time carer for my husband now too since he was diagnosed with Stage IV (inoperable) Melanoma which spread to his lungs.  Thankfully he has had immunotherapy treatment for it this past year and for the time being, he is in remission. There is no cure however, and its so hard knowing that the cancer can become active again at any time.  Its like a ticking time bomb.  Added to that is that he has also recently been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease.  Seems there is a strong link between people who have Melanoma have a 7x greater chance of also developing Parkinsons.  And vice versa is also the case.  So after several long stints in hospital these past 12 months with life threatening side effects from the immunotherapy for his cancer, we are now trying to adjust to Parkinsons medication and the worsening effects of the disease.  There are times he gets so angry and fed up with having been so sick for such a long time, that it really wears both of us down.  He sees a psychiatrist however, and a recent change in medications seems to be having a beneficial affect on his severe depression.  Parkinsons commonly comes with severe depression, although my husband already suffered from it, partly from the PTSD he also has had since his time in the military and Vietnam war.  Until recently he was talking about not wanting to live, that it just wasnt worth it.  And comments such as 'why didnt you just let me die' really hurt those who are caring for them.  We do all we can, and there are definitely times we are left to feel its not appreciated.

 

So being a carer is incredibly hard.  Added to that you are trying to maintain a business and continue to work full time.  I so admire you for what you are doing.  I had to give up work a little over a year ago, I just couldnt cope with it and being a full time carer as well.  You are a wonderful inspiration to many I feel sure.  

 

It is so important that we continue to do things we enjoy, and it sounds like you very much enjoy your work.  I can also see that its very hard for you to be away when you need to be.  No doubt your husband is flat out managing himself, much less the responsibility of caring for your two dogs.

 

As a carer, you are entitled to respite care for your husband, which can include in-home care, when you need to be away for work or any other purpose.  It sounds like there are a number of additional health concerns coming up for your husband next month.  Are the surgeries related in some way to his stroke or one of his other health issues?  My dad had a stroke a couple of months ago and, although now much improved, he has not fully recovered from that.

 

Its so hard to see a loved one struggle every day to get by, knowing they may never get any better.  I can understand your feelings that you want this to be over, for their sake.  I have felt that way too  when my husband has been at his sickest.  I nearly lost him twice in April this year.  Dont feel horrible for feeling that way, its really quite normal under these circumstances. 

 

Going through all that you are right now, is a very lonely and sad existance.  Enough to make anyone angry and resentful.  I would encourage you to seek some help through Carers Australia in the first instance, otherwise through your particular State body.  Do you have a GP you feel comfortable to confide in klma?  It can be a great comfort to have someone to talk to about all that you are going through.  And they may be able to provide some help to assist you to deal with all that you are currently having to deal with.  This isnt easy kmla, and it sounds like you're doing amazingly well under the circumstances.  But there will come a time where you will break.  You need support and tools to assist you to prevent that from occuring.  You may be able to speak to a counsellor or a psychologist perhaps?  Often the emotions of the carer of a loved one are extreme, and your care needs to be your primary concern right now.  Please ensure you have the care you need to keep going.  If you have good friends or relatives, dont be backward in asking for assistance if you need it.  I hope you feel comfortable in seeking online support here as well any time you need to talk, vent, or ask questions.  There are many kind caring and understanding people here, such as @Shaz51 and @Former-Member, who are all very willing to help in any way they can.  Often all we need is an understanding ear in which to vent our fears and frustrations.  You can do that here if you wish.

 

Wishing you the best and sending you a warm comforting hug.

Sherry 🤗💕

Re: feeling lonely

Umm .. when was in Army eons ago @Former-Member I used to see a girl for awhile whose father had rank. He was a viet vet and so was his mate at one ‘do’ went to .. the mates kid had brittle bone disease lots ops etc yes it was agent orange in hindsight. I wonder how they are going now . Ok was over 30years ago now
TAB
Senior Contributor

Re: feeling lonely

Hi @kmia my mum died last year ok probably diabetes related re stats although she was around mid 80s its not a thing you would wish on anyone. Re lack of circulation etc etc funny thing was that I remember visiting an old woman with her several times who was diabetic and had had a full leg amputated. I’m on my way there if I don’t make lifestyle changes. Anyway , mother went from pre diabetes at ok late 70s maybe to type 2 then type 1 last few years of her life. Can your partner make any changes? My mother couldn’t re exercise and cream buns etc. anyway don’t know if this is any use but move while you can maybe dunno

Re: feeling lonely

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded, it's amazing how good it feels to have people understand all the thoughts going through my head.  It's also nice to know that other people are going through similar experiences, although I would never wish it to be this way.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Re: feeling lonely

yes it's the lack of circulation that is the main problem. I am scared of things such as amputations...our diet etc is pretty good. Hopefully after the surgeries he can start to exercise a bit more which will undoubtedly help. It is such a horrible disease.

Re: feeling lonely

Thank you so much for your support Sherry.  It sounds like you have an enormous amount to deal with too.  I guess that for me being significantly younger than my partner has meant that I feel isolated from both his friendship circle and also my own in some ways...does that make sense?  When everyone else my age is having babies and starting new lives I feel like I am in a whole different phase of life to them.  

 

I will look into some of the suggestions that you've made regarding supports.  I have thought about a pyschologist or counsellor but it has all seemed too expensive.  

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