There are so many things that are making my life unbearable right now. I've always been a little bit concerned about germs and mess, but over the last 6-12 months, it's become a huge problem and has got to the point where it could end my marriage. My husband is naturally heavy handed, messy, a bit reckless and thoughtless at times. He does try to remember to do things like wash his hands before touching anything in the kitchen or take off dirty shoes before coming in the house, but he often forgets. He forgets things a lot and has trouble focusing and I'm certain he has ADHD but won't get diagnosed. He says I'm extreme, and I don't deny it, but I find a lot of what he does gross if I'm honest. Like leaving snotty tissues lying around, forgetting to wipe pee that's gone everywhere when he misses the toilet, not washing his hands immediately after using the toilet, picking his nose, spitting into the kitchen sink, and dirtying our car with spilled and rotten food. These are daily occurrences, and they have been irritating me more and more. Not only that, but I find myself panicking and taking things off him before he spills them, handing him tissues and wet wipes to clean himself. I'm treating him like I child, I know, and I know it's not acceptable. I do feel like he behaves like a child a lot though. It's hard to even get him to listen or focus, especially when he has a screen in front of him. I grew up in a very neat, clean household and my parents have always liked a quiet, simple life. My husband just doesn't get it and seems to crave chaos, which I know somewhat irritates my parents at times. He has improved over the years and I appreciate that because he grew up in a very disfunctional household, but I literally find myself getting a huge anxiety driven physical reaction when he walks in the door. I get nervous when he eats messy food on the couch and can't help but watch him like a hawk, I get extreme anxiety when I see him spill food and drinks or being reckless and I'm constantly cleaning after him and vacuuming (and the messes he makes are nothing compared to his brother). The houses we've lived in previously have gotten extremely cluttered and dirty, mainly because he just did whatever he liked and I didn't have the energy or mental capacity to deal with cleaning it up. Now that we've moved to a larger, somewhat nicer rental property (which I have a lot of guilt over), I have been quite pedantic about keeping the main areas reasonably clean and tidy. We also have had issues with ants in the kitchen so that definitely exacerbated my problem with cleaning up crumbs immediately. Another thing I've been struggling with is cat hair. We have four cats who I love but sometimes wish we didn't have so many because it's caused major issues in our lives. I can't keep up with constantly trying to get rid of their fur on everything and using sticky rollers on the couches every single night before I can sleep is a must for me. Them sometimes peeing in the house is another problem. I haven't been able to drive or work due to my anxiety and I spend most days cleaning and doing laundry (because everything needs to be washed, particularly if they've been worn outside of the house). I am looking for work now but panicking about how I'm going to keep up the housework, particularly when my husband is home (he's quitting his job soon, again, but that's a post for another time). I don't feel that my cleaning standards are that high because our home is far from spotless. A clean and organised home just makes me feel so much more at ease. He says I'm yelling all the time, and I feel terrible for it. He has said he wants to be with someone who is carefree and doesn't care about that stuff. He's also said he doesn't care about living with mess, and thinks I have my priorities wrong and care about all the wrong things. I'm also extremely emotional and cry at the drop of a hat. I am absolutely exhausted in every way, but will keep cleaning every night until my non-negotiables are done. I've finally consulted a doctor because my antidepressants are clearly not working anymore and I'm at breaking point. It could be a while before I'm able to see a psychologist. I try to think logically but can't seem to stop myself for some reason. I've come to the realisation that I think I've always had ADHD and was maybe misdiagnosed, which could explain the hyper focusing. We've been married for over 11 years and together for 19. Over the last 6 months in particular, we've talked a lot about divorce. I somewhat feel that he is bad for my nervous system, but don't know if it's mainly my anxiety. We don't have any children, and he never really cared either way, but I started feeling a lot of regret over the last few years. We had planned to try for a baby a couple years ago, but my anxiety and financial security was a concern for me so it never happened. Now I'm in my early 40's and cry every time I think about it. I'm stuck with the choice of leaving him for my sanity and never having a child, or working on myself/our marriage and taking the risk of having a baby so late in life, but things potentially still not working out and then having a child involved. I know a child is never a good idea when a relationship isn't stable, which is why I stalled for so long. I'm sorry this was long, I'm just struggling so much with every decision in my life and my issues, but if anyone has had any similar issues or advice, I'd really appreciate your input. I'm just not coping.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN