Lived Experience Forum

[MDT]

Cheers @lavenderhaze


Good onya 🙂

[MDT]

Copying this from good morning and sharing it here with some of you

@TAB @Glisten @PeppyPatti @lavenderhaze @PizzaMondo @Shaz51 @BlueBay @outlander @StuF @BlueBay

I hope and pray that the person I become or am becoming is the best version of myself

Those dark nights of the soul are some of the ones where I have done most of my self reflection. Those flickering lights in the distance that the bird is looking at - they speak to me - much like bird I have wings to fly from them. THAT is how I'd like to look at my trauma from the past.
This analogy was used in therapy yesterday and it tells me a lot because it means that I am able to distance myelf from the dear in the headlights. Sometimes those lights (fairy lights if you will which are actually objectively cool and pretty nice to look at) will seem like headlights and oncoming danger - only for them to pass me by for the beautiful thing it is.

MY main concernatm is work - the vibe, the culture, the sense that I'm being singled out..... all such notions. I had a job interview today and I genuinely feel it went well. I do not wish to get my hopes up. I do not wish to start accting like I have the job in the bag. But the last time I felt this good it was good news for me. It'll take a few weeks to hear back. Those few weeks - well I just want to focus on my job and do the right thing - that's all. Play it cool in other words.

It is often in quiet reflection that I find peace and answers and so I must return to that as often as I can.

In a few weeks when I have an answer then, and only then can I get excited or disappointed. In the meantime, steady as she goes !


I turn to the words of Nietzche once again who said

" “No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life. There may be countless trails and bridges and demigods who would gladly carry you across; but only at the price of pawning and forgoing yourself. There is one path in the world that none can walk but you. Where does it lead? Don’t ask, walk!”

[TAB]

some people can just do their job and stay under the radar @MDT Hams its an art. 90% of work is getting on with people.

Are you still taking meds ?

Prob just a stage you are going through at your age.

dont know that 'best self is valid or realistic, Dr Phil it  How's that working for you?

Take it easy.

[MDT]

Nah tabs off meds @TAB
Would rather work on the thing that'd bugging me - meds wouldn't remove it for me. Only I can

[TAB]

fair enough Hams @MDT  guess they helped you put up with things

[MDT]

Yeah for a while there for sure


But I found myself distracted by things and was also trying to push myself in other ways

Now that I've moved out I don't recognise the old version of me.

Yeah last few weeks I've been dealing into trauma work and figuring out how best to resolve things from the past.

I like the rod resolve because it implies peace. Ending a civil war/turmoil that seems to be plaguing me so much.

So much of the religious stuff that affected me in my youth reared its head recently. It hits me in moments where I don't expect it, and I've had to relearn how to challenge a thought in the moment rather than let it dictate how I ought to feel. The distinction between thinking a feeling was muddled for a while there. I refrain from telling the average punter this because I'll get labelled with Autism or something. Plus I am actually social, or at least can be social with the people I wish to be social with.

Anyway

I'm skirting around the main point


My point is that I'm struggling with the present feeling of things that happened in the past. What I mean by this is that things from the past will enter my mind and have an emotional response to them now in the present as if they were here in the present.

A lot of it comes from self image and how I view myself because i struggled with that in the past.

Comments, whether off the cuff, or direct can be taken with a grain of salt or as legitimate by me. Could be good or bad. The point is that I get mixed up and idk which is real or fake.

Anyway

The road forward from the trauma is straight but it's a hard road. Keep putting one foot forward in front of the other.