I want to share a quote that really resonates with me:
“Of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger.” Audre Lorde
I think that for a lot of us speaking up goes hand in hand with the experience of being perceived. I wanted to talk a bit about the tension between safety, speaking up and people pleasing so this is going to be a little bit of my own story. When speaking up can be about expressing our needs and values it can be so hard for anyone of us who might have people pleasing tendencies. This very much used to be me- speaking up was confrontational, utterly terrifying and felt like going into battle because I had learnt from an early age that I was valuable if I had something to give to others. Even as a very young child I had no sense of self-regard and I would sacrifice literally anything I could to feel connected to others. For a long time my identity and self-worth was based around being helpful, independent, resourceful and capable- but only externally. I was paralysed by the idea of ‘showing my cards’ (who I really was and what I really wanted) by the fear of judgement and rejection. I held it all in because my experience of trauma had taught me that it wasn’t safe to let it out.
It took experiencing my worst mental health crisis to be eventually challenged by new ways of thinking of internal validation, assertiveness and the power of my voice. I began to understand as an adult that that saying yes when I really wanted to say no (because I wanted to be seen as “nice”)- was a pattern of behaviour that was actually a form of self-betrayal- I was literally puncturing holes into my capacity to trust myself and feel safe. Every time I said yes to something that I didn’t actually want I was adding to the stock pile of resentment I felt towards myself. This was a completely new perspective for me to think about how I get to decide how I want to treat myself and I had really been getting in my own way by not speaking up, prioritising myself and learning to say no.
The journey of cultivating and nurturing this practicing of honouring myself led me to want to learn more about safety and the empowerment that comes from speaking up. Learning about the nervous system and the physical experience of trauma were ideas the further untangled my web of disempowerment.
“The need to feel safe is functionally our body speaking through our autonomic nervous system- influencing out mental and physical health, social relationships, cognitive processes, behavioural repertoire, and serving and a neurophysiological substrate upon which societal institutions dependent on cooperation and trust function are based.” (Porges, 2022).
Getting to the point in my journey where I am deeply connected to my sense of agency and driven by the restorative power of saying no and a deeper understanding of myself and my neurophysiological functioning means that I now get to feel excited by expressing myself. Building trust in myself and cultivating safety was like fertilising the soil to allow unapologetic self-expression to be the fruit of my labour.
I also wanted to share an incredibly powerful podcast about finding your voice: Podcast: Episode 10 Finding Your Voice- Paradigm Shift with Ayandastood
And some beautiful writing about safety: The Importance of Safety, Belonging, & Self-Regard by Margaux Feldman
