Beautiful 15 year old daughter, self sabotage, self harm, self centred.

[Tadpole]

Hi @astrengthinever and @parent1. 

I have just joined this forum after some browsing/linking/reading mental health sites. I've recently started seeing a psychologist who suggested that my Daughter could have BPD and you both describe Ds with same traits/symptoms as mine. My D is not formally diagnosed and is averse (at the moment) to going to therapy. She has moved out against our wishes but then again everything she has done in the last 2 years is against our better judgement. Her younger brother has started having anxiety attacks, her dad just avoids her, I despair of the family being 'normal'. She treats me like crap when she sees me. Her relationships are linear (crash and burn) and heavily interdependent;  I think she manipulates everyone and I feel I should warn them, they all think I'm an overprotective worrywart but I can see potential lifelong issues unless it is dealt with now - am i right?  I don't do anything for her really, especially now she has moved out, except I do pay for her phone - it's my only link with her... She finished VCE but seems to be spending this so-called gap year on finding ways to get money for doing nothing. I want to see her but not the friends - who are always trailing along. Can she be 'fixed' earlier rather than later, and how, if she is unwilling or in denial?  She too is attractive (but unwashed, sullen and surly), talented (not being used), and used to be enthusiastic, curious, happy with a deep and generous heart...   And what are these boundaries and consequences everyone talks about?  I've told her I will not tolerate abusive behaviour any more but now what?  We don't have family near us and I need her to look after her brother every now and then but she blackmails me in the process.

[Mumsworry1]

Hi I'm also new to this forum & my daughter who is 20 years old is going through the exact same thing only difference is that she had no problem through her school learning & passing year 12, she thrived as she wanted to prove her ability to learn. Her only problem was with the students. She has no friends ATM. We live in a new area, been here for 4 years & it's hard to meet new friends as she can't keep friends. I really don't know what she says & does to these people but she's one to speak her mind. I used to be a cheerful, social & well presented person & now I'm just drained, can't be bothered to even lift my spirits anymore. She is also going through a break up ATM which was only for 4 months & she's trying her hardest to win him back but he doesn't want anything to do with her. I know that once she finds out its really over she will be devastated & I will have to deal with her depression once again.
What are you doing to help your daughter. My daughter is seeing a counsellor but things are just getting bad & Ive been trying to contact her but can't get a hold of the counsellor. Need to wait till Wednesday when she's back in the office.

[Appleblossom]

Sorry that this thread didnt get more replies as it such a huge issue today.

Sorry @Mumsworry1 that you are facing it.

My girls and I have parted ways which is a real tragedy, but I am physically disabled and cannot deal with too many grown up sized tantrums more appropriate for 2 year olds.  I also had a younger child to manage in the end my family dwindled down to being a single mum with a young son.

It is a tragedy for each of us and for womanhood in general .. I wish you better luck .. I still have hope .. one day .. but I am promising myself that I am not going to let me be used as a punching bag again.

To be honest it seems as if standards and expectations of behaviour in schools and general society aound adolescence has allowed a deterioration rather an than improvement .. in spite of all the extra knowledge and support systems floating around.

The issue of taking things for granted seems part of the problem .. to me ..

Sorry I can give good hints to help ... Good Luck again .. keep trying .. dont sacrifice yourself too much.

Apple

[astrengthinever]

Hi @Mumsworry1 

ive been thinking a lot about your question. I'm sorry that the effects of your daughters depression and fractured friendships are really taking there toll on you. It must be be horrible to feel so drained and exhausted from her ongoing issues. 

My daughter continues to have her ongoing friendship issues and I guess I continue to hope that she may learn from previous experiences. ( something that requires some sort of positive self reflection, which really does not come naturally for someone with BPD) 

I really have made a concerted effort to stay right out of her friendship and relationship issues. If she expresses her frustration or pain to me I try very hard to validate that emotion only with out getting involved the action that caused the pain. This is really difficult to do but basically I constantly remind my self that her emotional pain is hers and I can never feel the same as she feels. It's her reality. How she chooses to react to it is her choice.

in. Doing this I somehow manage to remove myself from the drama and in turn it does not bring me down with her. I applaud you I keeping I touch with her Drs. I too will often email her psychologist to keep her in the loop of what has gone down. In doing this I can only hope that during her session with the psych some constructive conversation in self reflection maybe happening. Something I believe the psych is more professionally equipped to do than my self. 

It sound so cliche but you need to look after you. Do thing for yourself. Be a role model for her. Show your daughter what a strong independent mentally healthy woman can achieve. 

Stay strong and keep up the good work.