Caring for a wife with Borderline Personality Disorder- Sequel to Diary of wife’s hospital stay - holding it together for our family.

[Determined]

This discussion is a follow on from my previous thread Diary of wife’s hospital stay - holding it together for our family, a thread I started when my wife was admitted to hospital for the third time in 6 months and when everything around me seemed to be falling apart. It was a space where I could vent and express my emotions and helped me to process a particularly difficult time not only in my own life but for our family and helped me to hold myself together in order to support my family. For that I am most grateful.

Those of you who were following our journey will know that on my darlings return home I have been encouraged by my councillor to implement some loving boundaries, (lovingly implemented guidelines, not as rules to be enforced), and some self-care for myself.

Now that my darling is home the purpose of this new thread is to document our journey of healing and implementing new boundaries and commitment to self-care, not only so that I can have a visual plan for myself (a bit of self-accountability to follow through with plans in place) but in the hope that it may help others processing similar trials. It will also be an opportunity to track our progress over time.

[Determined]

A copy of my post after my counselling appointment discussion re the boundaries:

Thoughts re boundaries?  (02 Jun 2017 11:36 AM) page 33 Diary of wifes hospital stay

At yesterday's counselling appointment the councillor encouraged me to have a discussion re boundaries (lovingly implemented guidelines, not as rules to be enforced) as soon as possible after my darling comes home.   ... ... ...  Thoughts ?

Re the boundaries?   Suggestions on sensitive framing and delivery?

• If you talk to me disrespectfuly I will not engage, if you don't 'settle down' I will leave the room.
• If you engage in any form of self harm you will need to go to the ED, if you won't go freely I will call an ambulance. (Last time that happened we ended up with 2 car loads of fat police people poking around inside our house, very embarrassing ambulance and police cars out front and neighbors looking on so that decision is not made lightly)
• If you drive off in the car during/ after a meltdown I will call the police and report you as a danger to yourself/ others.

When I write it down it seems overly harsh which is why the discussion has never happened before this, I don't want to do it as a control thing but to make life easier for my darling and for our family. I am sensitive to the fact that this makes my darling sound horrible but that is never my intention. 

Coming home from an extended stay in hospital is a good starting point for some positive changes. 

 Thankyou anyone for your thoughts,

[Determined]

A short background for our family, apologies to those who have seen this already, don't mean to bore you: 
I certainly do not think we are unique in having family trials, this is simply to give some context to some of our trials.

My wife and I have been married for almost 18 years. We have 3 beautiful children (boys) aged between 18 months and 12 years old.  My wife was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder shortly after we were married, post-natal depression after the birth of our first child and Borderline Personality Disorder around 5 years ago. Her mental illness took a dramatic turn for the worse after I lost my job due to stress related illness (burnout resulting from a lack of self-care) around 4 years ago.

This most recent hospital admission (private hospital mental health facility) is the fifth admission in 4 years.
I am still not totally convinced about the pnd diagnosis, I believe that the added stress of having a baby simply uncovered a bigger problem that we had been hiding, along with other significant family complications (my family).  

Son 1 (12) has a verified intellectual disability and requires significant additional care and attention.
Son 2 (10) is exhibiting similarities in personality to his mum and didn't cope overly well with her recent time away. He often feels left out as S1 and bub required a lot of extra attention and he is more self-sufficient so dosn't get the same amount of attention. Something I need to be working on in the near future. I will also be looking into a mental health assessment in the near future 😞 
Son 3 (bub) is currently being monitored for potential issues (genetic related) but all is looking positive at this early stage. overall a happy and content little person.

[soul]

Hi @Determined, have come across your new thread and can very clearly see that it will have dual benefits to yourself and others. Carers can find themselves in a very isolated and vulnerable position. The Sane Forums offer a supportive and empathetic environment and the people on here are second to none in that regard. Short of being able to physically meet up with others, this avenue is the next best thing.

I consider what you are implementing to be very beneficial in that it is a no cost, easy method for you to address how you are feeling and get some feedback. There are quite a few of us who have your back and although we don't know you or your family personally, we feel as though you have portrayed your situation in a realistic manner. 

Many of us feel like we know you and your disappointments have become ours just as your triumphs make us happy. Continue to share. I know that I speak for everyone here in saying that we are privileged that you have put your trust in us to help you through what have been challenging times. 

[Determined]

Thank you @soul, I can't accurately express how much it has meant to come here and share our families trials and the support I have recieved here has helped me to navigate a particularly difficult time. 

I know I have left this thread hanging at the moment, I havent forgotten about it, just that I have been focussed on preparing for exams. I  want to try and keep this a little more structured so it is easier to follow and may be of more benifit to others as well as helping me. 

Hoping to get back to it later in the week. 

[soul]

I know you have your exam tomorrow @Determined. When you're done, @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@Former-Member will be here. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

You betcha ..... ❣️

[Former-Member]

Cheering you on @Determined

[Determined]

Additional boundary added to the above list (discussion upcoming)

Over the course of this semester I have had 6 major assessment items.

4 exams, 1 group presentation and a report.

Prior to 2 exams and the group presentation I received text messages from my darling indicating intention of self harm (permanent type). And phone calls prior to last 2 exams 1 to have an argument about something that didn't matter and this morning to again say that she was depressed and didn't want to be here. 

So next semester there will be a clear understanding that I am not to be contacted at all while I am at work or at uni. I will be making arrangements with alternate people to call in a crisis.

Her Mum, my Mum, Church Pastor or lifeline.  It is a risk but in all but one instance the main crisis had passed when I made contact after my assesment was finished. 

Partly my fault as I have always told her to call whenever and even have an arrangement with lecturers to be allowed my phone in class and uni reception that she can contact them and they will come and find me if she cant get me. 

I feel this has been taken advantage of so needs to change. I fail to understand the benifit of consistently calling me before major assesment and causing additional stress like that. Something that has a significant impact on my ability to sucessifully complete my assesment. 

[Determined]

I have mentioned this numerous times before in other threads but after the above post feel the need to say it again.

Any negativity in any of my posts is towards my wife's illness not my wife. I love my wife and implementing these boundaries is in the interest of improving not only my darlings wellbeing and quality of life but also that of our family.