Struggling to cope with daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder and other mental illnesses

[MummyMountain]

Hi. I'd really like to share my story over in the Stories Section but I am just too tired and burnt out right now. I'll do it another time. I just need to feel connected to people who understand this rollercoaster. The emotional loneliness of being a single mum since my children were toddlers. My 15year old daughter has been defiant, aggressive, volatile and unco-operative since my son was born  21 months after her. Fast forward to December last year and we were barely making it home before returning to the ED with self harm and violent threats of suicide and assault from her meant we were back there again. She was admitted to an inpatient program and they began treating her for anorexia with a meal program and couldnt start her on meds because of heart arrythmia. Her vitals are improving now but her mood and ability to get through the day has not improved. I saw her today to take her off site for an appointment and it was not good. The best thing was that I could take her back to the hospital. Living with my intelligent, attractive, talented daughter who wants to end her life and who is triggered by everything in our culture has been very difficult.

I'm venting because while she is being medically treated where she is, she has had no meds or therapeutic care and I feel like I was blindsided today. A day where I had to take my son with me as I have no family/friend support and he has generalised anxiety and panic disorder which flared up this morning. When I got home I took care of our pets and my son and then I went to sleep, my safe place. Upon waking, I could only think to come into this forum as I've been reading over the last few days and feel that I identify with many of you and my feeling of emotional isolation fades a little. I have professional supports in place for me, but the minute to minute slog is mine alone and I guess I just wanted to say hi and sit in the corner with others around me who understand. Thankyou.

[Reader]

It's odd isn't it that we seem to be able to connect with someone online but as you say, very few other people get what is going on at all.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @MummyMountain,

I'm glad you're here. I hope talking about what you're going through can lighten the heavy load a bit.

It's unfortunate that carers often feel isolated. It seems that talking about your experiences with other people is tough because there aren't many people who 'get it' unless they've been through it.

There's a few people on here that I think you may want to connect with. @Amber1 cares for her son who has BPD, which you can read about here. There's also this discussion started by @parent1 who talks about her adolscent daughter who is showing symptoms of BPD like self-harm, self-sabotage. @astrengthinever and @Altogether offered some great insight in that thread. I wonder if they can offer some here? Or perhaps @MummyMountain you might like to connect with them by contributing to that thread Also, @Vicki might be able to contribute. She has just come out of difficult patch caring for her daughter, which you can read about here

You might also be interested in a 12-week course that's offered by Family Connecttion for family members caring for someone with BPD.

Welcome to the Forums. You're certainly not alone on here.

CherryBomb

[astrengthinever]

Hi @@MummyMountain

As a single mum myself with a 17 year old with BPD I can relate to your ongoing struggles. We have been struggling with numerous admissions over the best part of 4 years. While every experience is very individual I can certainly say that every step of the past few years has been full of hope and an ever increasing understanding of how my daughter sees and experiences the world. This understanding has helped me tremendously in coping with all the ups and downs of living with someone who has BPD. Approx 2 years ago I attended a course entitled "fostering Realistic Hope" and have recently  done the Family Connections  course which helped me revisit and consolidate the various skills and knowledge I had previously learnt. 

Please know you are not alone out there and this forum as well as numerous other support groups are invaluable in maintaining a healthy focus to continue supporting your loved ones.

[MummyMountain]

Thankyou for your replies. I am starting the NEABPD Family Connections course in February and it cant come soon enough. Just to be with other family members with loved ones of this disorder. I'm feeling very stressed right now as the psych unit she is in are treating her for her ED and in denial about the dangerous borderline behaviours wanting her to home visit for sleepover tonight. My daughter threatened my son and myself and verbally abused me in my call to her last night and my trauma symptoms of being the target of her bpd rage are starting to activate. I tried to explain to her case manager yesterday, but she shut me down and seems unable to acknowledge that my daughter isn't even displaying stable behaviour inside the unit, how is it safe for her to come with me. I also have my teenage son with me fulltime and my daughter will target him or our pets in order to relieve her pain. My social worker on holidays and I'm feeling unheard by the case manager. I am going to try again today to explain our situation. If she shuts me down again, I will phone the referring doctor from our local Emergency Department and also ask for a secondary consult from spectrum. I've found a document online about how to access services for BPD in Victoria. I am a recovering Borderline, bulimic, family violence survivor with depression and anxiety and so all this confronting of the mental health professionals is so challenging for me. I will keep trying.

[Vicki]

Hi Mummy Mountain.

Can I suggest that if your daughter's case manager is not listening to you, that you contact an advocacy service.  Here in Tasmania, Advocacy Tasmania provides a service to support people who are not receiving adequate services within the health system and non government organisations.  

You might want to contact the following organisation for information and available services in your area.

VICTORIAN MENTAL ILLNESS AWARENESS COUNCIL - VMIAC Building 1, 22 Aintree St. Brunswick East www.vmiac.org.au ph 9380 3900 fax. 9388 1445 email: info@vmiac.org.au NB. Individual advocacy & support for groups of people with emotional and/or mental difficulties.

You and your family have the right to be safe.

Take care.

[MummyMountain]

Thankyou @Vicki for validating and hearing my distress and being a voice of pre-frontal cortex rationality when my own brain is flooded with limbic powers!! I have fortunately been able to speak to a worker standing in for my own social worker and she is going to contact the unit and advocate for me today. Im feeling heard and soothed that I'm not a failure in that I'm unable to contain an aggressive and distressed teenager when she is still displaying such violent behaviour.

[Vicki]

I am so happy to hear this, let us know how you got on. xx

[Kiera80]

Good morning Mummy Mountain,

Your story really resonates with me as I have a sibling with BPD and I have also gone through the whole process of having them in a psych hospital quite a few times and being on that roller coaster.

The forums here are a very safe place for you to be where you can vent all you like and have caring people try to help you along with what you're dealing with.

Thankfully my sibling has been on medication for the BPD for a while now and I don't have the outrageous behaviour going on anymore.  There are still moments where I wonder if my sibling is from another planet as the communication isn't crash hot a lot of the time.  They might as well be speaking in a foreign language but we get through it in the end.

I don't know how much the professional help is to you at the moment.  I remember when I was going through the thick of things with my sibling that I couldn't see the forest through the trees at that time.  I was so overwhelmed and confused with what was going on that it felt like my head was spinning.  My brain at that time just couldn't take in anything that was supposed to help me.  Like it was on overload.  Are you experiencing anything like that?

It's funny that it wasn't until most of the craziness had settled down that I was able to get anything positive out of the counsellor that I was seeing at the time.  The whole putting boundaries in place took a long time for me to even try to attempt to do.  I think when you're going through the madness with them you are most of the time just trying to survive yourself.

My suggestion is to take as many minutes in the day for some down time for yourself.  Get out of the house and go somewhere that makes you happy.  Get a massage, go see a movie, go out to dinner by yourself, go get a manicure, whatever it takes to give you some short breaks.

Please realise that looking after your own mental health is going to be hugely important.  I only say this because in my instance, my sibling  went on medication and was getting better but the fall out from what I was living with left me with PTSD and anxiety and it's been a major struggle for me to get better.  Living with what you are going through can put you on a knifes edge of being okay or not being okay.

Some of the group sessions for carers can be very helpful too.  I'm not sure if ARAFEMI are still doing them but have a look around.  You will be part of a group where other people are in the same position as you.  I found the group sessions for our family to be really good.  Asking questions and bringing up situations were dealt with by the group and the lecturer.  I liked going to them.

Remember too that your daughter is in the best place for her care at the moment and do keep pushing to make sure she is receiving the best care she can get with medication and counselling.  As much as we care about our loved ones there is only so much we can do for them.  We aren't super heros and we can't fix everything.  I wish I had realised that when I first started dealing with the mess that is BPD.

Please keep updating here on the forum.  I'm thinking of you and wish you some peace for today.

[MummyMountain]

Thankyou @Kiera80 you put into words many of the things I am experiencing and have been experiencing over the past month or so as my daughter's health deteriorated and I was struggling to respond to all that life was serving up to me. 

I became aware that my own health was starting to fail and I had to take action as I care for my own mental health issues as well as my son's and of course my daughters, without any respite. I made the painful decision that she couldnt be discharged into my care as myself, several workers over the years, her friends and the staff in the psychiatric unit were all doing our best to support and validate her but she was remaining defiant and agressive. I conceded that I was unable to keep any of us safe from harm until she was stabilised with either medication or other therapies. Long story short, my decision jolted her into some kind of awareness of how she was affecting others. Within the next day she was on the phone to me telling me she would follow all expectations, medical advice and safety plans put in place for her, including going to extended family occasionally as respite for myself.

Its been a week or so since discharge and she has stuck to her committment. I am very fatigued though. The literature available for families of Borderlines is getting me through the days when I am at a loss as to how to best support someone who has such extreme sensitivity, emotional vulnerability, intense reactions etc. Overcoming my urge to defend myself when she is upset at me for something that would not bother others is getting easier and I can see the positive results of taking the advice and direction given to those of us supporting loved ones with the Borderline traits. 

Having said that though, its a tough job for any parent to be a carer for their child and I'm really struggling with the degree of interaction this role requires not only the 24/7 with my daughter (she cant cope with her bad thoughts on her own and needs to be near me constantly), but also her support network. I have severe anxiety and depression and manage my stuff by avoiding people, conflict and negotiation!!! I arranged a meeting today with an extended family member to discuss how he could help us out, and my body had to sleep as soon as I got home as thats what being around most people does to me. I'm not complaining, just venting. I'd really rather do all the care myself, but I physically and biologically cannot. 

I'm very grateful to my social worker, without whom, I reacon I'd have had a breakdown already and the kids would be living elsewhere, when all I really need is rest and self care. So yes, tomorrow I am taking your advice. Massage is one of my favourite self-care activities so before I pick up my daughter tomorrow from her extended family visit, its off to the masseuse for me.