DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS (from_PTSD_to_DID)

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom - i like the way you describe how we, the traumatised, flips / phase into another mode, to cope with a presenting stressor. The 'fight / flight responses

Maybe, as children, physically trapped with nowhere to to run, we learned to do 'hide' on the inside.

"Avoiding tigers" all together, can be a healthy, a life saving strategy, in "primal terms" The tiger in modern life being any perceived threat. We do develop all sorts of weird psychological displacements to cope.

The parts (child) not given love at crucial times may become repressed .. or acted out .. by being 'tough' - like your forefathers / mothers.

I hear you Apple, feel it when you say you "created all sorts of selves, to avoid all the hurting bits" damaged by poor parenting (neglect & ignorance) "ALWAYS PUT DOWN, SIDELINED OR CAST OUT"

'SCHEMA THERAPY' sounds interesting. Looked it up: it is an integrated psychotherapy approach, for chronic resistant personality disorders, that combines existing therapies such as:
- cognitive behavioral therapy
- psychoanalyticobject relations theory
- attachment theory
- Gestalt therapy

Appleblossom, has it really help you re connect the mental cerebral cognitive parts back to the emotional feeling parts?
I know its a work in progress, k me most things takes practise, but I'd like to learn more about how you are doing this. You must be in the private system, yes?

I have always had trouble on wing how I feel. Hate especially that I don't know I'm angry 'till I brake something . Bit late then. My psychologist is working at putting me in touch. What for? my other parts say. This late in life now that I have nobody to live for??

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤💕 @Former-Member .....

Easy does it ..... explore gently my friend, and have patience with yourself .... the way will open ....

Keep up your self-care .... eat well .... sleep .... restore .....

I hope you managed a bit of a spa day today, even though you're battling that cold ....

I made a great salad that will last a couple of days .... want the recipe ? Full of goodness like your soup ....

Heading to bed now 💤 ..., see you for coffee tomorrow ....

❤💕

[Appleblossom]

As a young woman I studied and was involved on experiential level in many forms of therapy. None of it was really integrated at the time ... they were interests, courses and therapies for the self.  It takes time, reflection and lived experience to integrate.

I suspect if I had not done body based therapies ... I would have become very psychotic and have been the first to go, euphemism ...

anchoring myself in body practises .. getting in touch with anger and tears ... in 3 hour long sessions a couple times a week for years .. ..at least I did not go numb ... and can feel for another human

My mother was totally contained .. I thought she was like a Sherman tank ...

I tried to express emotion & affection

YES it was private ... but not private health cover ... just me saving up in little bits.. then when married .. he was into private health .. and had been to the best clinics in America to deal with his schizophrenia .. we bonded on "dealing with schizophrenia"

In public system I was always told I was fine and to go away ... so i did and that is how I spent my time also raising kids plus plus.

Someone noted that I was doing very divergent things ... ie body based as well as cerebral .. and Jacques Lacan .. I dont know it was just what was in the courses at my uni.

Its been a long while since I broke anything in anger ... maybe 20 years ... mostly I currently deal with it through physical exertion ... by gardening or walking very fast. 

I have a truckload of rage ... I just have to dissipate it in the most harmless way possible ... focus the energy musically ??? cant bash the piano in anger ... as had carpal tunnel and have quite delicate wrists ..

My mother and son play piano a lot more in anger .. I am helping him distinguish between it .. its not all bad .. as it is a great way to discharge ... but not good artistically or for health of the hand.

Few people are honest about their anger .. a lady once pointed the finger at me when I admitted to it ... but a year later her husband was on my door step ... with a bloody nose from her shot with saucepan ..

I no longer take things as personally any more ...

I have many subs ... integration of them ... how do we know ... we just need to be bit rounded out and have a range of feelings appropriate to situation

until recently there was NO CLOWN or little girl in me

The beginning of me actually feeling I could tell a joke with my students was very delicate ... I am passionate about teaching .. but it would sometimes it would come out all wrong .. my pain and anguish would slip in ... there might be a raucousness in tone or a metaphor that wasnt quite right for the age group ... I was very careful ... but now my unconscious is not quite as slippery ... and I shoot self in foot less.

a lot of parents gave me very good compliments in how I managed their kids over the years.

I may teach again when I am older .. I let it naturally wound down as I focussed on my son.

[Former-Member]

Had to laugh @Faith-and-Hope applying the brakes again. @Former-Member We do get passionate and fixated on things which i think is not a bad thing. We just want to fix it all NOW. I hope you both sleep well💜😊💤😴

[Appleblossom]

you have already done your living for others .. @Former-Member its ok to live for yourself

I wont do it to hurt my son ..

but I can say that its more than that ... it really only works if you live for yourself ... rather than viscerally though another ... that creates weird unhealthy dependancies ..  I am essentially a curious person .. I like to learn ... there are spiritual ways or aspects to life that seem to say to me .. its bearable its doable ... and I can stay here for the duration.

About a year ago .. The mods were linking to lots of different psychological sites with sub personalities or personas

Nitey nite

[Former-Member]

Oh dear, gave I been too zealous, posting too much? Probably being obcessive. Thanks @Faith_and-hope, @Former-Member, for reminding me to get out of mt head and the and the o practical matters, which I have neglected today. OK h dear. Maybe its the cold. Not getting too many nibbles / shared experiences, yet. Maybe when I start sharing more of my personal journey. Thanks for your input Apple.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member Please don't think I was making a judgement about your posts. It was a reflection on the things we share in common like being passionate and I said it with endearment. I don't want you to post less or change anything. I guess I also realised how well @Faith-and-Hope helps us to see it can't be all sorted out now which I appreciated as she's reminded me a few time before too. I really hope you aren't offended by it. 💜😊💐

[Former-Member]

Not offended @Former-Member, its easy when you dinally stqet trusting peoplw mean you no harm. But do need to stop, my head is spinning. Trying to be smarter than I am tonight. Goodnight 🙂

[Former-Member]

Oh wow! I have just joined and just posted my first story. I think your information may explain parts of my childhood trauma. Could you read my post please? Ms78_

[Former-Member]

Hi Ms78- welcome to the forums. I hope, like me, that you find some solace here as you come to terms with your mental health. Talking about it can help but remember to go gently with yourself. Learning to reconnect with present moment realities are equally, if not more, important than diving into the past. I have learned that we don't have to lean on our own understanding to grow, but a little helps along the way.

Most of us here on the forums are ordinary people with no mental health training but have lived experience suffering the impact of mental illness. Forum moderators have some training and will drop in from time to time to make sure things are OK.

Personally I don't like diagnostic labels in Mental Health, as many overlap and all too often the experts differ in their opinions or simply 'get it wrong' more than they care to admit. But, if a label opens doors to giving us the support we need then - i guess the end justifies the means.

I did find your other post (thank you for sharing your story), and have a couple of comments. With trauma, a lot does depend on our own physical genetic makeup, our chemistry as well, in how we respond to the world around us. Research shows bipolar as a chemical imbalance with a strong genetic link.

Ms78- you do describe some highly stressful events in your childhood that may have caused psychological scars (trauma) depending on the way those around you managed & supported you through it. Child sexual abuse & physical abuse are particularly traumatic on the mind and often suppressed for a reason. I'm still not sure uncovering the past is helpful. Tread carefully on this path. Don't force it. Be gentle with yourself. With Depression/Anxiety prevalent in your family there is likely a genetic factor in play. More than events.

I suspect your Psychiatrist telling you the cause of your illness was "traumatic events under the age of 4" (early childhood) is his/her way of saying the development of your personality was damaged very early. So, you probably do have have a degree of dissociative disorder interfering with functioning in daily life. Some prefer to label it Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( C-PTSD) or just PTSD. But your mood swings probably cause greater concern.

A good, more explored area of study in psychological trauma is PTSD of Military Personnel. Their war trauma may not have altered their psychological development (being adults) but the methods of coping with symptoms are invaluable. They are used across the board: Mindfulness, Tai Chi, Drumming, Music...

Did you say your dad died only last year??? This is big. Such a loss can mess with your head for a good couple of years. Do some reading on Grief & Loss as well, maybe a grief counsellor. Dealing with this now is better than putting it off. Perhaps it has uncovered issues itself for you to look at now in moving forward in recovery.

Better stop there. Hope I've made some sense, helped a bit. Nice to meet you Ms78-