DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS (from_PTSD_to_DID)

[Doc_Gonzo]

@Former-MemberI recognise two personalities,  one I call my professional self and one that is linked more to my emotions and feelings.  The two are highly connected,  one just takes more effort than the other (professional self) .

Because of the work I do I have to be focused and present while I am working.  This can be hard to do at times and requires quite a lot of energy.  When I get home, I let the locks off so to speak and let myself go where it wants. It helps me to process the unprocessed experiences of the day in safety.

The problem with this is that it can mean that I lose myself completely and I lose time.  when I become conscious again I literally suffer temporal and spacial shock as I realise that I have lost time and am not necessarily where I was when I last remembered.

It is  a whole body and mind experience where I live what I see,  whether it is actually real or not.

[Former-Member]

Sure does @BlueBay, how ya doing? One of the problems with dissociative behaviour is AVOIDANCE (because its so uncomfortable) but avoiding things, easpecially in a helping setting (therapy), makes the fear of it stronger or worse. So my psych said last year. Sadgirl, is it possible to tell your psychologist you're frightened and need help if you fall apart and might have to go over the 50min hour, for support, if needed, can that be provided?
What ya up to today? How's the family?

[Former-Member]

OK @gonzo, nearly got it, (be patient with mw plz). I was curious what you mean "take the locks off & let go" when you get home. Does that mean you open the 'emotional' you so you can be a whole person, with feeling? If you tuck away the 'Professional You' - who, what part comes fwd?

I think the very concept of 'professionalism' requires and encourages uscto 'leave our private life at home' I interpret this to mean everything not related to work. I had this drummed into me very early during my nursing training 16-19yo & of cause made it my identity. "TAWNEY THE NURSE & MUSICIAN"

I'm not sure Changing Hats' so to speak is bad for us. It is probably considered low on the scale of disassociative scale. Do you think? In the sense that you have control of it perhaps (like when you get home) and it helps you cope with work.

Its good to discuss this because I always thought this is how to live life. To play roles not connected to feelings. That 'feelings' don't count, get in the way and are irrelevant, for me that is. I can be very atune to the feelings of others.

Now I'm confusing myself.

My biggest regret & most bewildering is nursing my two children. I so love babies but didn't connect well with them I fear vecausevit always felt like I was 'on the job' at work and not allowed to enjoy them. I tried but had to stay on top. Now, when I fish around for fons memories connected to emotions - there are few. This makes me sad and now I have a ime to think about it I wonder if I damaged my kids by not being a whole person.

Now we're getting into the heavy stuff.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member .... 🌷💜

On the run with my day ..... just wanted to tell you ..... from my searching I believe "Gertie" and "Libbie" are looking for validation - appreciation for what they have carried forward for you, memories perhaps that are too painful for your regular functioning, and the flags they are trying to raise that say you need support .... particularly if they separated when you were very young, or a teen, and their reasoning and rationality is not born out of a mature and more balance adult mindset ....

I understand that very young SH and SI prone alters are wanting someone (your "body corporate" to thank them, and explain tothem that the SH and SI, while well intended are no longer required, and those behaviours can safely be "retired" now ....

This work, if it is correct, ought to be undertaken with the support of a psych who is experienced in this area ....

But maybe you can start a "community journal" and see if your alters will engage in written communication with you .... they might reveal their ages, concerns, fears ....

🌷💜

[Former-Member]

Thanks F&H, i think you're right, I was thinking of starting an 'Alter Journal' There's a nasty one wanting to vent so maybe its time. My current therapist doesn't seem to want to go there with me on this, she seems more intent on 'Primal Instinct Therapy' or something. Maybe it will still help somehow.

[Faith-and-Hope]

If you do get a written response @Former-Member, it might help your therapist to go there with you .... or refer you to someone who will .... can you let your therapist know in advance that that is what you want to try ?

Just be kind to yourself .... gentle .... maybe leave some small "gifts" with the journal .... packet of different coloured pens perhaps, a few choccies .... just a thought .... 

💜🌷

[Former-Member]

Thanks F&H
You know, I didn't start naming my alters until after my girl dired. That experience shattered me to pieces like a fierce lightening bult through the trunk of a tree. Talk about expose everything. Everything I fought so hard for in present day realities were being dismantled and the old stuff resurfaced, andcacted out. Soon embarrassing!! inexcusable & confusing.

Reading a book called "Taming The Blackdog" by Asbett, it suddenly became real to me. I understood depression like never before. If Asbett can help me that much, by giving a name to the cluster of signs of depression (thought patterns, feelings & behaviour), and separate it, as not me but 'the black dog' talking. I realised I might be able to gain control of my other parts by acknowledging them with a name. I identified LIBBY first up as she threatens ALL my parts, & the authorities frown on her (BPD stigma). She has behaviours and anger that I don't see as me. It was probably her that called me a sl_t the other day, a few times. I never use the word st_t or f_ck. Its not me. There were a couple of others but I stopped going there with it because it frightened me and I knew it could be shakey ground me o walk by myself. However, I really would like to know who the 'real' me in this body is. Haha

[Former-Member]

Libby is rogue, she is asexual but hates men with a vengeance. She's extremely angry and acts up, acts out. She has zero patience for people yet sometimes runs with fools. She dislikes many things: unfairness (likes to even the score), fake airs and graces (likes to set them straight & bring them back to earth). Just plane rude at times. She plays chicken with trucks & reckless driving. Should Bevin jail. I suppressed her for 2 decades. How can I merge her with the rest, maybe tone her down?

[Faith-and-Hope]

That's probably work you need to do with a therapist who is clued in to this aspect of DID @Former-Member .... but I am guessing that you can view alters as if you would foster children who have come from traumatised circumstances .... they need a loving, caring environment that provides for their physical care needs, but also feeds nurturing into that environment .....

They also need acknowledgement that they have suffered and are hurting .... to feel appreciated and accepted as able to belong .....

Foster kids can become "nicer people" when they start to bloom where they're re-planted .... I understand alters can too .... so maybe just work on adding even more nurturing stuff into your environment as if you had ratty, bratty foster kids staying with you .... like the positive quotes in your other thread .... posting something on your bathroom mirror that acknowledges the fact that we can move forward from hurtful experiences.

Maybe try putting on an item of clothing that wasn't chosen by "you" .... taking a selfie in it if your phone can do that .... and complimenting it in some way ..... validating the choice .... for an alter that wants some self-expression .... in a positive way rather than always negative .... showing that it's not only possible but acceptable too.

Just ideas here @Former-Member .... reminding you that I am no expert .... but maybe there are books about this too, written by specialists in the field ?

🌷💜💕

[Doc_Gonzo]

@BlueBay For me I 'dissappear' in order to escape feeling overwhelmed. There are many aspects to my dissociation but this is the primary reason. There are other pats to it, I play out fantasies to help me prepare for daily tasks, it helps me to process any feelings, sensations and thoughts (to name a few) that are going on that I have been working hard to shut down and avoid.

It has taken me a while however I now see it as a self care mode, it helps me to have the conversations that I would like to have that help me to process my world and my experiences.