@Zahlia Thanks, thats very kind of you. 🌸
Thank you to each of you for your posts and your supports of my post yesterday.
@Owlunar @Maggie @outlander @Shaz51 @Sans911 @Former-Member @BlueBay @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Peri @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Former-Member @TAB @Adge @eth @CheerBear @Pollyotter @Lee82 @NatureLover @Snowie @MDT @greenpea @Molliex
I seem to have been tripping from day to day, encountering PTSD triggers on a near daily basis over the past month. Almost anything seems to have been triggering me. And that conglomeration of stressors has resulted in putting me in a highly vulnerable, distressed and hyper-vigilant state.
While I was having my recent break from the forums, those stressors continued in a big way. And it was further exacerbated by the fact that I no longer had the support and comfort of my forum family to fall back on. I felt very alone and as though I was fighting on all angles, in order to just survive each day. Feeling very alone for me, is triggering in itself. And perhaps my post to the Worry Room thread last Friday explains that a little better.
My psychologist is currently on leave, after the sale of her business. So I've not had her to fall back on since early May. She told me when I saw her last, that I could email her any time. But as she is on leave ... busy with homeschooling two school aged kids, and building up her therapy dog breeding business ... I don't feel I can really do that. So I will wait until I see her again in July. Thankfully she will be returning to part time work then, for the new business owner. I'm greatly relieved that I will not have to find a new psychologist.
Okay, so where to start. The nightmares probably. Yes, my nights have been racked with almost nightly horrifying nightmares. As I mentioned in my returning post on the Worry Room thread last Friday, whenever I feel very vulnerable, triggered and alone ... I experience a very traumatic recurring nightmare. It's from the night I was raped. It's very real, very frightening, and highly distressing.
There are a few things which appear to have triggered these nightmares. I started to write about this last night, but managed to trigger myself in the process. So I left my draft until now, when I'm feeling a little better. But I will start with the less triggering portion, and will try to finish the rest later, if I feel I can.
My husband has been very unwell as he tapers off an AD which is notoriously difficult to withdraw from. His psychiatrist has been phoning him weekly to monitor his progress, or lack of. I think every negative side effect listed or known about, he has experienced over the 3 weeks since he has been tapering. Two weeks ago he had his last dose. Since then, he has been experiencing SI and has been saying he wanted to die etc. All of which is upsetting to me as well as him. But of more impact on me has been his extremely violent explosive anger outbursts. He has been so unpredictable and volatile. People talk about walking on eggshells. With my husband it's much more like walking on hot coals, and getting burned in the process. So that has left me feeling highly vulnerable and afraid within my own home. I was raped in my own home, and this feeling represents another PTSD trigger for me.
I'm desperate to find a way to help hubby through all that he is going through right now. I know it's really hard for him, he feels awful and I'm sure worried about how he feels. Unfortunately he has not been honest with his psychiatrist, which does not help anyone.
When I last saw my psychologist I told her all the difficulties of his rage outbursts, and how I was afraid of him. And also how he was not being honest with his psych about how he's been and how he is affected. My psych told me (when I saw her in early May) that as his carer, I have the right to speak to his psychiatrist. Indeed that I have an obligation to inform him of all the things he is not being told. Such as how much he drinks (he is an alcoholic), how he has been so angry and volatile, and how he has been talking about wanting to die.
I was not aware that I had this right. But apparently, hubby's psychiatrist cannot ask me for information, but I can volunteer information to him. My psychologist said to ensure hubby's psychiatrist was made aware that it's vital hubby does not know I had passed on any information, due to likely repercussions. So .. unbeknown to my husband, I contacted his psychiatrist last week via email and told him a few things he needed to know. Things I had an obligation (for both hubby and my own safety) to tell him.
As a result of this additional information, last Friday hubby's psychiatrist spoke to him about going into hospital for a time. Which of course he refused. In the end, he put him on a new AD medication to try to settle him a little, and help him through the worst of the withdrawal process. Just the past couple of days I'm beginning to see some improvement. He seems a little happier, a little calmer and his anger outbursts are not quite as extreme or unpredictable. So fingers crossed that this improvement continues. I'm hoping he goes back to his usual, more predictable yet still abusive, self. At least I know I can handle that, I'm used to it.
His psychiatrist phoned again today, and after discussions, he added a new sleep medication to his medication cocktail as of tonight. It's a highly restricted medication, of which you only get a pack of 7. I actually thought it was banned in Australia some years back, due to some incidents with our Olympic swimmers being on it years ago. But I guess that's since been changed. Upon reading the packet, it warns about possible bizarre behaviour, violence and suicide, among other worrying side effects. Yikes, that's all we need! This medication has some serious questions around it. Including unexplained deaths, murders commited while sleep walking ... all sorts of weird stuff. Whatever is his psychiatrist thinking by prescribing this stuff? I think I'll need to lock him in his room the nights he has this. His psychiatrist will phone again next Friday, but left me his mobile number to call if needed prior to then. Fingers crossed.
I will try to get to the second part of this post a little later. Sorry for the dribs and drabs approach.
Sherry 🌺
