I can tell you a little true story about living with someone with BDP @BlueBay
My kids and I were on holidays at Warrnanbool - my son might have been 9 or 10 - and we were on the beach and my daughter was busy making miles of castles with a sand castle set and my son sat beside me feeling unhappy - he was so unhappy
He asked if we could go down to the Crags and I said "Of course" and we had lunch and I drove the kids down there and my daughter started making castles out of rocks and stones that got bigger and bigger and my son sat beside me and I could feel his unhappiness coming through his skin. After a while he said
"Mum - when we were at Warrnambool I thought I could feel better if we came down here and I don't and I might think I will feel better when we go back but I know I really won't"
I said ''I know. What you are feeling has a name. It's called Transitional Ambivalence. Your psychologist told me. Some other children have it too."
He was surprised. He didn't know what the words meant but he knew I understood. He often felt miserable and thought he would be better if he moved somewhere else but his mood would follow him like his personal rainy cloud. It was heart breaking. I had a little girl who was a brilliant burst of sunshine who could occupy herself for hours and my son's BDP was destroying him. I remember him coming home from school with a face like thunder and my heart would crash.
Nothing coud help him - he was like this his whole life - he did have better patches but he was lost and who knows how adoption affects some people - for him it was negative and nothing I said could convince him that he was loved - he felt unworthy - like so many other people
But he was never rejected by me because of his negativity. I could put my arm around him while we sat there on the beach - I never gave up on him - I loved him.
I feel it at this time of year because he was in Juvenile Detention. I am beginning to understand that my grief for his death has healed a lot in the last three years but I have not healed from the knowledge - the memories - of his overwhelming unhappiness.
I guess I am learning a lot from what your write and I can certainly stand reading it - I am not put off by your negativity and unhappiness - my life is a learning curve - I live to learn and through you I am learning about my son because when he was alive it was a constant puzzle to me
Not so much of a puzzle now - and you want to know how to get past it or to be cured of your BDP. I assume you will with enough time - my son would be turning 50 this year. I have had enough time to sort things out for myself.
But I get it - I hear you - I was reading info on BDP today - it's complex - I understand
Hold on through the bad bits - you have people in your real life who obviously love you - you are not your disorder - that is like a child inside you taking over at times and giving you a hard time which must feel rotten.
My son never gave himself the time to learn the life-skills you have - he gave up too soon - but it was his choice - you are making the harder choice to continue and it must be such a struggle but I'm not giving up on your either
Dec
The dietician and free support sound good, how often do you go for a walk at the moment? The world champion boxer Tyson Fury had a video recently talking about he stopped caring for his body and his weight went up to 400 pounds. When he realised one night just how much his body had changed, he made a promise to his girlfriend that he would start losing weight the next day. He started with slow walks, and each day increased or improved on the day before it. Is a walk along the street something that might help you get time away from that huffing and puffing, as well as slowly beginning to work on the health? What do you usually do when you need some space for yourself?
