Lived Experience Forum

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

That's exactly right LJ. My steer is quite a darling to everyone, and is much loved. My friend's steer is quite a jerk (he has a bad habit of charging people for no reason, which unfortunately tends to be his handler, while she is trying to lead him), but we still like him.

I feel kinda silly about the clipping. The owner said I did a great job. I have so much trouble accepting praise... Part of me feels I don't deserve it, part waits for the catch (some form of punishment), part of me is obsessed with it (I got praise!). It's all odd I know, and I obviously need to work on my automatic thoughts surrounding this sort of thing...

Work was okay. They've changed my duties again (as a result of an argument and two meetings last week). I am no longer working in one of the rooms, and now I am to help one of my workmates instead, as I "need to prove I can follow instructions". Which is completely frustrating as it feels like a step down. But in the up-side, the person I'm helping is a friend, and it is all stuff I used to have, so it's nice and familiar. I'm trying to find the positives... not sure how long I'll last.

Got an appointment with my p/doc next Tuesday. I'm gonna try and write a list of things to show her, that I never have the nerve to say. So thoughts and urges, and how to deal with them. And I won't see till after Royal, so I need to work a plan for that. I think (hope) I'll be fine, but she seems quite concerned about it...

And looking at what I've written, I think the change in meds have kicked in...

For the umteenth time, thank you all for listening and caring. I do find it nice to have such lovely caring people looking out for me. ❤️ ❤️

[Former-Member]

So much going on for you at the moment!! no wonder things are kind of overwhelming!  Sigh about the work stuff... i can see how that would be hard to take and feel a bit unfair! Would you consider looking for a new job in the longer term (as in not right now but in the future.. doesnt seem like a happy place 😞 ) and then on top of work a change in meds is big enough on its own! When yo say they're starting to kick in, is that a good thing or are you feeling worse?

At least at the show its so busy that you kind of just have to keep going and it's fun too!! You can always get some quiet time sitting in front of the cattle against the wall, thats what i used to do between rounds. 🙂 Are you staying down at the show? I always thought the cattle had better accomodations than the little sheds there, but as we were from so far away it was impossible to go home each night and get back by 4am.

lol about the one that charges! I broke in a black angus that was like that, for about 4 months i had to train him by walking in front of him and walking backwards. He would also try and step on my feet all the time! He was so naughty! but yeah, still loved him!

I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.. not looking forward to going 😞 but been informed that I really have to go. doh! 

LJ

[Appleblossom]

I missed this thread though I was at the Friday Feast. Had a lot of my own going on.

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady hope you are doing ok.

I am so glad you raised this topic. I hope you dont mind if I talk to it from my own point of view.

Just the articulation of it for myself took over a decade to anybody in a counselling capacity... note I was initiating contact all through these years with private and state bodies to get help.

So I carried it internally .. .. often the kids might have seen aspects of it though I tried to protect them .. but I was well past caring what I looked like .. it was more important to prevent myself from doing the act and make sure that dinner was on the table ...

I cant believe how obtuse those professional people were that they did not put me in hospital when the kids were little .. I might have had a better outcome with my biological daughter if one person had said to her that her mother was under a lot of pressure and not very well .. but no luck there.

I was told by husband that I was manipulating and attention seeking, but I also feel sorry for him in that he had to deal with me .. but if he had not been so cynical and cruel I may have felt that way ..aagh! a mixed bag.

I only started to get help for "me" as opposed to help for family after leaving marriage.

So I have to question some of the protocols that are in place .. are the doctors really that good at discussing it. I am not so sure about that @suzanne.  Maybe they did not want me to lose custody of the children but respite was never properly offered. I only heard about it as an option when I was not as desperate and not raising 3 small children.

It took divorce and good attention from a female GP  She got my application for disability going.

I was shocked and "overjoyed"? when about 6 years ago my disability worker said it was NOT acceptable to feel even one thought of SI and that I had the right to reach out for help each and any time..

Once I told a CAT team by showing them my plan in my journal. I couldnt actually say it

I had been struggling with it (and my children as they are closest to me)  for 27 years now. Maybe the professionals were not as good as all that.  It started to be addressed in the counselling course I did in 2009 so maybe counsellors are getting over the fear and facing facts.

I was relieved this week when in my session with new lady from Carers vic ..she came straight to the point and asked re self harm and suicidal ideation .. I answered brusquely "yes" but at least it was an in and it was on the table.

.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Yeah, I love the work I do. I am sorta keeping an eye out, if a similar job is advertised I may go for it. The thing is, everything that’s happening is my fault. My behaviour is causing issues. My MI is causing issues…

After a heap of problems I saw my p\doc last Thursday she decided to up the dose on one of the meds I’m on.

Yeah, there will be a LOT of sitting around at the show. I’m staying there with a friend, the whole 10 days, so we’ll be bored together. And she knows me (we’ve known each other for close to 10 years) so she’ll be able to deal with me and my problems without being bothered. 😛

Hope you go okay at your p\doc appointment tomorrow @Former-Member

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hey @Appleblossom

That's what I've never been able to understand. I think medical professionals need to ask the important questions: Are you having thoughts of suicide? Are thinking of or are you engaging in self harming behavior?

My SH easily passed as accidental, and didn't look like classic SH. When I had to see a GP after an infection, I was asked what happened (dunno, must have been an accident) and given antibiotics and sent on my way. Unfortunately (luckily?) I was allergic to the drugs. The GP I saw saw the injuries, and outright asked if it was SH.

I think getting treatment for MI would be so much easier for many if professionals could just outright ask those questions.

[Appleblossom]

My psych I saw this week used a standard tool to assess me then asked the 2 questions directly and said she asked everybody .. so good on her huh!

I am just getting a thought that I have severe BPD.  It has never occurred to me before but came up in 2 online tests. Fancy that.  I might need to get that checked out.

[Appleblossom]

SH AND SI has been such a huge part of my inner and outer life .. I am not sure I will ever be free of them anymore.

Being patronised about it could be extremely dangerous to me as I first did suicide watch for St Kilda Link Up call outs when I was 19-20 .. I personally do not find Lifeline helpful when I am very pressed. It could put me in such a state that I become dead polite and go off and do it in a reactive rage.

For a decade I said I will do it after my taxes are done and oven clean. My ovens bung at the moment, but taxes done. I keep refining it in my mind ..  just decided to go to hairdresser  for it .. yes active SI plans for decades.  Not one attempt yet. No more current SH behaviours beyond excess eating and physical laziness..

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hay @Appleblossom
I'm currently 2 months 8 day SH free. Which seems pathetic, but even when I was "well" I was still SH'ing, so this is the longest I've gone in 12 years.
I still want to, and I don't think anyone can understand unless they've been there. Yes, when I am emotional (or when I'm "empty") I want to SH. But it's little idiotic things too. A little itch, which I have to consciously scratch once and stop. That little tickle in the back of my mind when I see something I could use, or do use, as a tool. And I work in Medical Research, so I have an endless number of objects I could take home and use.
The part that worried me enough to open up and ask about Suicidal thoughts was that in a way low mood the final piece "clicked" into place, and I have a pretty foolprooc plan. And then I tried to convince myself to keep going. Unfortunately I started off by thinking I will wait until Royal is over, then I won't be missed. And with Royal rapidly approaching I am getting nervous...
I've been thinking I am getting more and more nervous about the upcoming show, but now I am starting to wonder if it is partly to do with the SI...

At the moment I don't think I will do it.
And I have promised a few people I will speak to them before doing anything permanent.

[Appleblossom]

I congratulate you on abstaining. If the frequency was that regular YOU need a party thrown in your HONOUR.

I used to go through something similar to that each year with "after the end of year concert, I'll do it".

I take that as the healthy non masochistic part of me putting up delaying tactics.

Yes I can see what you mean about tools etc .. I purchased a "tool" once and that freaked out my first good GP .. and she came out to my car and checked it and removed it.

Then a few months later another thought popped into my mind that made the keeping objects out of the way ridiculous .. Then I carried one around with me to keep me honest about it, I thought I was being intelligent and careful and it was a successful way of  quitting former types of addictive substance abuse behaviours.I keep coming up with solutions?? ...

For me the intrusiveness and unpredictability of when and how the thoughts occur are really difficult to manage. Regularity and intensity are important to be able to dicuss. I can really say the regularity is much reduced for me now.

Tomorrow a young woman who is also SH is visiting my house.  We have not discussed it a lot .. but it formed a basis of some trust .. more dicussions may need to occur.

Good luck

[Former-Member]

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady
Have been wondering how you are going? Hope things have improved a little bit, have you had another appt with your therapist yet? All ready for the show?
LJ