Lived Experience Forum

[Victoria82]

Lately, I’ve been getting pretty overwhelmed with my new job. I don’t sleep well throughout the week. Most mornings I’m only able to function by drinking copious amounts of tea. I find this gives me some form of energy/buzz that I need to face the day. When I do eventually have a sleep in I feel worse than if I had just continued being sleep deprived. 

I’ve been experiencing quite a bit of brain fog and concentration issues. I feel like I have every symptom of inattentive ADHD but I’ve never been diagnosed with it before.

I’ve been pretty concerned with some growing dependence on alcohol and other risk taking behaviours (sleeping with multiple colleagues at work). I’ve always experienced anxiety and depression but I’ve not gone down this path before.

My friends are starting to notice and are questioning my decision to do this new job at all. What I can’t tell them is that I don’t think I could go back to my job beforehand. This promotion of sorts is completely wrapped up in my self esteem and if I stopped doing it, I would feel so worthless and go into a self-hating spiral. They just wouldn’t understand. I literally feel like I’d have to quit and move back to my hometown if I admitted to not being able to do this job. 

Also, when I started the job, I was fantastic at it. It was fun and I could do everything so easily. Everyone said I was a natural and was smashing it. Why is it suddenly becoming more difficult to manage than a few weeks ago when I first started? I don’t know why I get less competent at tasks the longer I do them? 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Victoria82 Welcome to the forums. Thank you for reaching out to us here and trusting us with your story. It shows a lot of courage. 

I'm wondering if you have ever reached out to any professional supports regarding your suspected ADHD? It's incredible how many people get diagnosed as adults. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying and suspect myself to be undiagnosed. You're not alone. 💝

Also, wondering if you would find this thread useful? 

@TuxedoCat might like to share their insights when they are around. 

Wishing you all the best 🌼

[TuxedoCat]

Thanks for the tag @Paperdaisy ❤️ 

heya @Victoria82, welcome to the forums! I can see a lot of cross-over in your experiences to my own, thank you for sharing ❤️ I can tell hear in your post just how overwhelming everything is. I think if anything I post is relatable, I'd really recommend talking to a GP or another trusted professional to see ❤️ 

I was diagnosed with ADHD this year, so I'm going to come at this post from that angle. But it might not all feel right to you, but I hope you find some useful things here ❤️ I'm so glad you've posted here, and recognising that you want more support, especially with your coping strategies and work stuff ❤️ 

For me, I also used to use a lot of those risky coping strategies. At the time, they were a response to overwhelm and needing to get external validation. I used to put in 110% effort into all of my work and never ask for help because I felt like I was lacking in some way. But really, the coping strategies were not good for me and with work, I just got more burn out. 

In hindsight, I think what I was experiencing was ADHD burnout and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Have you heard of these before? 

What you're talking about kinda reminds me of these ideas and my own experiences. Of course lots of people work is wrapped up in self-esteem, but for people with ADHD, it's kinda more than that. RSD makes rejection and failure literally "hurt". And with ADHD burnout, that could maybe help explain why you felt like you were fantastic at your job to start with, but now you're feeling like it's far more difficult. For me, when something starts losing its novelty/newness, it becomes much more difficult for me to focus on it. Lots of people talk about interest based attention in people with ADHD.

Does any of this feel relatable? 

What I see in you in a desire to prove yourself at work and to your friends/family, but a bit of worry around failure. And you've also recognised that things are hard at the moment. It won't always be this way ❤️ 

Is there anything here that feels useful to you? 

Sitting with you ❤️ 
TuxedoCat

[Victoria82]

Hi @TuxedoCatand @Paperdaisy 

Thanks for your response. It is great to know of others who go through similar things.

RSD: 

I have heard of RSD before and it has resonated a lot with me. I’ve been in a lot of situations where a friend or someone has made a comment or not invited me to something and I’ve felt physical stabbing pains due to the overwhelming rejection. Every time I’ve ever hurt myself has been due to either a perceived rejection or a perceived failure to be perfect at something. I’ve been feeling like I’ve had this for a while and no one I know has this level or reaction. 

Diagnosis:

I’ve seen a psychiatrist for ADHD last year and they agree I might have mild tendencies but when we looked at the tests, I couldn’t identify with any of the symptoms during childhood so they’ve just been reluctant to diagnose. My parents don’t really remember much from when I was a child and say I was a pretty “good” kid and that I didn’t have any issues then. I was always okay at school work and things and definitely wasn’t hyperactive at all so it’s hard to fit the criteria as a child. I don’t remember any issues as a young child either. My major issues at school only started in later high school (grade 11) and progressed in uni. Now, I know I have massive difficulties with attention and planning/organisation of tasks at work and in my general life. I also lose everything. I wonder is it anxiety or a developed response after a childhood trauma when I was 8 more than adhd? I’ve been on the list for a Telehealth psychiatrist for 4 months now so we will see when they get back. Normals psychiatrist is 2 hours away and means I have to take a whole day off work to get there so I don’t want to do that. 

Interests:

I do definitely feel like I’ve always had a pattern of doing super well at tasks at first and then becoming bad at them and starting to hate them. I notice it mostly with sport where I’ll be an amazing bowler for the first game then start doing badly and just losing all interest. Same with any kind of hobby. I’ll be interested in painting, reading, some new music or something but I don’t take long to get sick of it and I just can’t stick with a hobby. I’ve never thought about it being the novelty wearing off for me and potentially being related to adhd. 

I do need to go see someone again about it all. I don’t really have a GP that I trust. I’ve been moving practices a lot to find one I like and as soon as I did, they retired. I probably need to get back into a psychologist but I have always just hated therapy. I’ve never been good at doing any of the homework tasks and only really enjoyed the talking and unloading aspect. I’m just always really reluctant to start it up again because it costs so much money and time. I end up having to go to the GP twice (wait times are always 1-1.5 hours) and then the appointments at psychologists are an hour. When I think about organising going to one and then going, it just makes me more overwhelmed because it’s another core I have to organise and I’m scared it will take up more of the time I feel I don’t have have. I know it’s worth it in the end potentially but this has always caused me anxiety and fatigue to organise.

[TuxedoCat]

Heya @Victoria82 hmm yeah, I can see what you mean! I'm sorry that you relate to RSD stuff. That pain is real, and I'm really sorry ❤️ But in ADHD not fitting or explaining everything, it can be really tricky to not know why we feel these things. I just wanted to acknowledge that, but I'm glad you aren't alone in your experiences and maybe we can find some other strategies.

Do you feel like the losing interest/feeling worse at tasks is because or novelty waring off? Or is it something else?

[Mucky]

Hi!  One of the hall marks of ADHD is talking about yourself, so here I go.  I am diagnosed ADHD (moderate) but I suspect I could be high functioning autistic; but I lean to ADHD.  It is complicated and everyone is different.  Men and women manifest the condition differently.  BUT, I do reckon you need to talk to some one; but who?  This has been my problem over and over again.  I looked for it in psychologists, believe me, most are not 'wise men/woman' wise person or what ever you want to call it.  I thought about a clergy member but I doubt they have any real qualifications to fit the bill and I am an atheist.  GP, maybe? If they can spare the time.  Psychiartrist, I have seen three over the years and my experience has been poor.  They appear to only be able to diagnose you if you already know what is wrong.  So, the answer, just engage with people, take what is possitive or useful to you and discard the rest.  If you are ADHD leave the booze alone, it can be very distructive with no upside.  The magic pills they offer, be very careful with them and accept that they are very hard to get right.  ADHD medication is probably the best of all these conditions but they are still NOT magic bullets.  SSRIs are OK if you really have a seratonin issue but if you dont, and not all distress is seratonin related, can also be harmful. Now to sound cliche, eat well, not too much with gluten in it.  Hemp seed oil I found good.  Put it in salad dressing.  Excercise is great if you can make yourself do it.  Mindfullness meditation also significantly helped me.  It kept me sane in a job I absolutely hated.  Just 5 to 8 minutes every morning made something awful almost tollerable.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE and there are many people with many similarities to you; talk to them.   Good luck.

[Mucky]

... and a bit more.  Many things you have said in your post make me think you COULD be ADHD   6% of the population. most undiagnosed.  It is not easy for trained, experienced doctors to make these diagnosis.  You really cant diagnose yourself and I certainly CANNOT diagnose anyone!!  But, you have said many things I can related to.  Coffee and energy drinks MAY be worth a try.  Again. good luck, I feel for you.